I've been inundated with responses from employees telling me that they feel left out of the team and this is having a detrimental effect on their morale in the office. If this is an issue you can relate to then you need to take immediate action before your stress levels explode.
Dear Natalie,I work in an inexperienced team of seven. The majority of the team are good friends with the HR director outside work. When I come to work I get excluded and feel like I cannot relate to any them. There is a massive atmosphere in the office.
The HR director has been picking on little things that I do, which are not work related, and finds a way to make me feel like everything that goes wrong is my fault. I feel bullied and stressed out. I hate coming into work and finding another job is proving difficult as all this negativity is following me. I can't even put a grievance in as she is the highest rank. What can I do but leave?
Anon
Ros Taylor:
There are few things worse at work than not feeling part of the group. From what you say, you may be a bit quieter than the rest of them or perhaps the situation has made you that way. Now of course they should have made you feel more welcome when you started and included you in their social group but they didn't. And, sadly, the quieter you become, the more difficult they will find it to relate to you. You could go on blaming them for their shortcomings or have a plan to tackle the issue.
To start, you should try to get to know them, one at a time. Ask about their previous work experience and their hobbies outside work. With those that are more pleasant you can suggest going for a coffee or to lunch and chat further. If they ask you to join them socially go willingly.
I have had to counsel many people with this issue and what they have found is that the team were not knowingly nasty. They had to deal with a quieter person joining them and for some reason took silence as rejection. You may have inadvertently created that impression but that can be changed if you take the lead and talk to them.
If they are still standoffish, then plan B would be to go to your superior, the HR director, and find the courage to tell her how you feel. Ask for her support in integrating you into the team and for feedback about your level of performance.
You can talk about the impression you have about being picked upon and how negative that has made you feel. Concentrate on the good feedback about your strengths as that will increase your confidence and work on the things that need to be changed. Make a follow up appointment to check on your progress.
If none of the above works and all are still against you then send your CV to as many head hunters as possible and get out of there. When you have exhausted all avenues for improvement then the problem is theirs and not yours.
Steve Miller:
Seclusion in the workplace is completely unacceptable and I cannot comprehend why on earth an HR director would want to behave in this manner, especially picking on things that are not work related. Without wrapping it up you are in a very difficult position. I want to encourage you to stay strong and to allow yourself to be assertive. Arrange for a one-to-one meeting with your HR director and carry out the following steps:
1. Explain what you are noticing and how you are feeling. Go on to say that it is important you build a positive working relationship with him/her as your boss. However, I want you to stay firm by explaining that you are not prepared to accept put downs, especially when they are to do with issues outside of work.
2. Invite your boss to respond. Let them speak freely. Don't be surprised if he/she is embarrassed and tries to make excuses.
3. Repeat back your request for building a positive and professional working relationship and to leave out of work issues at the door.
4. Finally, highlight that your passion is for the business and that your efforts are completely aligned for the efficiency and productivity of the HR department. Stay calm and totally professional.
Based on the facts you have put to me, I am on your side. Remember to believe in yourself and affirm daily that you are calm and in control. Good luck.
BLOGATHON CHALLENGE QUESTIONS
1. Do you have an office bully? If so, what are their main characteristics?
2. What are the common traits all bullies have?
3. How should you deal with a bully in the workplace?
4. If you're being bullied what steps do you need to take?
5. Have you ever been bullied? Why were you bullied?
Write your comment and if you wish, please state your profession and nationality, then press publish.
Comments (6)
Posted by Ruth Gilmour | July 11, 2007 10:58 AM
Hi
I really felt for this person, having been in a very similar situation myself, in a so called blue chip multi-national company.
I followed a very similar path to the advice given, firstly by trying to get to know each member of the team one by one. This was continually blocked by the more dominant members of the team who ridiculed my attempts. The 'weaker' members of the team were therefore not brave enough to step outside of the status quo for fear of isolating themselves.
I also had a number of one to one meetings with my boss. These were to ask for her help in integrating me, to ensure that the team were not allowed to exclude me and to tell her how my (mental) health was suffering as a result; and that she had a responsibility under Health and Safety legislation to protect me at work.
Sadly, nothing ever changed for me. It became clear in time that my boss was actually the ring leader, and I could only assume that she felt threatened by me, since I had much wider experience and was significantly more qualified than her.
In the end, I had no choice but to leave. Getting another job was a struggle (isn't it always, when you really want to leave a place?)
but it was the best thing I could have done.
That wasn't the end of the story though. I decided that there was no way my boss and her precious team should be allowed to silently get away with such abysmal behaviour, so I wrote a detailed letter of complaint to the company chairman. A major investigation and review followed and shortly after, a number of my ex-colleagues, including my boss, left the company - presumably leaving before they were pushed. I have to say, that went some way to making me feel a whole lot better.
RG - Hull
Posted on July 11, 2007 10:58
Posted by Steve Miller | July 11, 2007 12:23 PM
Ruth,
It sounds like you had a tough time and indeed were bullied. This was completely unacceptable and I am pleased to see the organisation did a thorough investigation. It astounds me that this sort of behaviour still goes on with some managers. The only way to deal with these unprofessionals is by dismissing for gross misconduct as they add no value to business whatsoever. I wish you luck.
Posted on July 11, 2007 12:23
Posted by Matt Witheridge | September 24, 2007 1:44 PM
It is estimated that at least 25% of all employees will experience bullying at some time during their working lives and there is no doubt of the misery caused by it. It is a completely unnaceptable behaviour but thankfully awareness in the UK is growing.
This year the Andrea Adams Trust is once again spearheading the 4th annual Ban Bullying at Work Day on November 7th. The key objective for Ban Bullying at Work Day and its run up campaign is to raise awareness of the issue across the UK and the campaign is the combined effort of a number of organisations who are working to achieve this goal.
The BBD campaign is independent and needs organisations to get involved and participate in the day by taking ownership of the ethos and raising awareness of the issue within their workplaces. This year the campaign already has a large number of high profile public and private sector organisations involved. If your company has not yet signed up or you just wish to get further information then please visit the website at www.banbullingatwork.com
Posted on September 24, 2007 13:44
Posted by Reasonable Robinson | September 24, 2007 6:27 PM
Bullies rely on not being challenged. I recommend an 'old fashioned' 'in the car park solution' as they operate on the assumption that physical retribution is 'off limits' and thus they continue with inpunity safe in the knowledge that the 'green meme' (see Ken Wilber) will protect their 'right' to bully. These miscreants only understand deterence backed by capability.
As a Production Engineer I once knew said..." see these hands son, they've killed in the war...make your choice!"
Posted on September 24, 2007 18:27
Posted by HRWench | September 24, 2007 11:42 PM
1. Yes - She is a complete Swamp Witch. She points out people's mistakes during meetings (even if they are not there she will "think" she sees a mistake and then blurt it out...I think for attention?), she is crass, she waits until everyone has given their opinion and then she takes the least popular one just to stand out, she treats her boss as if he is her husband (only SHE can complain about him, no one else has the right), etc.
2. Major insecurity and self-hate.
3. I play dumb a lot with this person. It makes her absolutely crazy. I love to watch her squirm when she is trying to be mean to me and I act like I don't get it. IT'S GREAT!
4. I've confronted her but it does no good. I AM the HR Dept so that is out. I spoke with her boss a few times and he basically said "she's not going to change so deal with it". So now it is my mission in life to make her as uncomfortable as possible.
5. See above. I am not the only one - this person bullies anyone she can. It must take a lot of energy as she often looks tired.
Posted on September 24, 2007 23:42
Posted by Catherine Mattice, MA Candidate, San Diego State U | September 29, 2007 9:40 PM
I'm responding to question 2 - I am writing a thesis on bullies, and am examining the bully, rather than the victim, for my research. So here it goes:
Individuals with low negativity thresholds (do not find negative behavior unacceptable), or who are highly verbally aggressive, may find use of negative behavior such as bullying acceptable because they do not perceive their negative messages to be harmful or because the behaviors are perceived as justified by the situation.
Bullying behaviors could also have been learned, and therefore it would be reasonable to conclude that the potential inappropriateness of bullying behavior simply may not be apparent to the perpetrator. If the behavior is largely innate, it is likely to be viewed as a normal way to act. Further, bullies may simply find ways to justify the behavior through reasoning or immoral imagination, or if the negative acts are in revenge or retaliation to provocation or mistreatment by others. Other motivations include lack in social support, desire to achieve improvement in mood, desire to obtain power, it may seem "permitted" if management doesn't intervene, or stressful environments (such as when an org downsizes).
Characteristics or attitudes bullies share include a highly competitive personality, bureaucratic orientation, Theory X (the belief that others are not ambitious or are lazy), both low self-esteem and really high self-esteem, verbally aggressive (learned communication patterns from parents or other models), Type A personality, narcissism, hostile attribution style (assigning negativity to situations you're in), and accepting revenge as a reasonable course of action.
Posted on September 29, 2007 21:40