Beat the Aussies at their own game

Apparently, a rising number of Australians are securing jobs in London’s financial district. As if it is not bad enough being served Fosters by blonde-haired, flip-flopped Aussies in every other pub in the capital, Londoners now have to take pensions advice from the smug, surf-conquering girlfriend stealers.

Nabila Sadiq, managing director of finance recruitment consultancy Joslin Rowe Temporaries, said: “Australian employees are highly sought after on account of their good education, training and hard-work ethic. Australia may have thrashed England 5-0 in the Ashes, but the UK financial sector would be wise to not hold a grudge against its old rival.”

Hold a grudge? Guru wanted to hold a ritual burning, but was advised that it is highly illegal, hugely outdated and slightly racist, so he has hatched a much more cunning plan.

With the Aussies coming here for our jobs, now is the perfect time to look for work in Sydney. Great beaches, gorgeous women, and they even win at cricket. Plus, it is the furthest you can get from the Australians. What could be better?

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