Expenses: Paying for life’s little luxuries

At the end of the month I submitted my expenses and they’ve just been returned, unpaid. Can’t understand why I needed the dog worming pills to ensure I didn’t catch anything from Fido.

Life’s essentials

The haemorrhoid cream, corn plasters, Imodium, Deep Heat and Gaviscon were ‘essentials’ to keep me ‘fit for work’, as I’m sure you’ll all agree. The subscription for the Elf & Safety Journal is another ‘essential’, and of course the Gnome & Garden keeps me at the cutting edge of style, absolutely essential when I have to entertain prospective clients. All this entertaining means I have to have a well-stocked cellar, hence the 12 cases of Hobgoblin ale and 12 of Veuve Cliquot.

Now that I’ve been promoted, I have to be well turned out, so these ‘must haves’ must be paid for – hence the nose hair strimmer, silver toothpick and electric ear plucker. Add to that membership of the Royal College of Nursing, a few suits from Hugo Boss and some receipts from such hostelries as The Ivy, La Gavroche and Quaglino’s, and you haven’t got much change from £3,000.

Justifiable expense

As far as I’m concerned, all of these expenses are justifiable, and companies should budget for such overheads instead of expecting staff to foot the bill. Everything claimed for is in relation to work. Things are different now, including the nature of claims. We don’t use thermometers, shygmomanometers and Uristix anymore – well, not much anyway, and I know they’re cheaper, but progress comes at a price. I don’t have money put by for a rainy day to dip into for such ‘out of pocket’ expenses, and that’s what I’ll be telling the boss when I see him later.

Anyone got any vacancies?

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