Guru

This
week’s guru

More
sex please, we’re roadies

Guru
was never musically talented as a youngster. But desperate to grab some
reflected glory from friends who were, he used to roadie for a student rock
band called the Purple Plums.

Of
course, Guru never really had much passion for the music. He was more
interested in the legendary benefits associated with being a roadie, and the
status such an occupation was supposed to have in the eyes of the band’s
groupies.

Unfortunately
Guru’s fevered post-gig fantasies never materialised and his roadie memories
simply consist of sweat, tears and frustration as any action was usually over
by the time he had dismantled the equipment.

So
he was delighted when it was announced last week that roadies are set to gain a
union.

The
Roadcrew Provident Syndicate will be a branch of the GMB and has the support of
Billy Bragg and Coldplay. Bragg said: "Everybody is worried about pensions
provision these days and roadcrew are not immune to such concerns."

Guru
is amazed that Bragg is concerned with such mundane matters; surely the new
union should be campaigning for more drugs and sex for all members?

Frivolous
law claims cause moral outrage

Guru
is seeking legal advice and is hoping for a huge payout on grounds of trauma,
personal injury and righteous moral outrage. In the forthcoming class action of
Guru v Everyone who takes advantage of their employers to get
damages/settlements for frivolous claims, your academic action hero is using
the new ‘no win-no plea’ culture to warn people that a compensation culture
will not be taken lying down, (a stance that might in itself lead to a sexual
harassment charge).

Guru
feels it is right and proper that there is adequate protection for employees,
but there are more than a few pointers that an American compensation mel‚e is
heading towards us at Mach 4.

Last
week, a postwoman who was sent oversized men’s trousers to wear when she was
pregnant was awarded more than £15,000 compensation by a tribunal. Apparently,
this was an ‘insult to women’. Coupled with the Royal Mail subjecting her to
risk of icy conditions in her fragile state, the woman claimed she was driven
to attempt suicide.

Now
if this had been Victoria Beckham and the trousers had been a polyester mix, it
would be understandable. In the meantime, Guru’s lawyers, Steale, Money and
Bolte are under instruction.

Robin
‘Guru’ Hood: Robbing the rich to give to the poor employers.

Italians
remain source of great entertainment

Guru
has always liked the Italians as people, but he is not sure they are the right
nation to take over the Presidency of the European Union as they did last week.

First,
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi came under fire in the European
Parliament when he was criticised by a German MEP for using his political power
to avoid bribery charges by making himself immune to prosecution.

Belusconi,
revealing notorious Italian reason and logic, then hit back by telling the
assembly that his accuser would be ideal for the role of commandant in a Nazi
concentration camp.

If
that was not enough to reinforce all the stereotypes Guru ever had about the
Italians, he learned that a dance school in Naples has secured a  1m grant
from EU funds to train young women to perform on the country’s plethora of low
budget, prime-time quiz shows.

So
there we have it. The Italians: corrupt, short-tempered, sexist and frivolous.
Guru looks forward to the next six months of entertainment during the Italian
EU presidency.

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