Guru

This week’s guru

Sickie fibbers should be ashamed

Guru is a big fan of our weekly barometer surveys on page three. The
findings help give him an invaluable insight into what the profession thinks
about a particular topical news issue.

However, he has to take disciples to account over the voting results of the
barometer that asked: Have you ever taken a hangover-induced sickie? Of the 154
people who voted, 68 per cent claimed they have never taken time off following
a night out on the tiles.

Frankly, Guru doesn’t believe you. How about those casual jobs you did as a
student? What about the seasonal blow out in the run-up to Christmas? Leaving
dos? Birthdays?

Guru realises that as responsible HR professionals, disciples must set an
example for the rest of the malingering workforce. But really, how can you look
at yourselves in the mirror without blushing?

As the saying goes, there are lies, damn lies and statistics.

Not at the expense of my lavish lifestyle

Guru has been deeply worried about the increase of employment legislation
from Europe that will damage the flexibility of the UK’s labour force.

Both the Agency Workers’ Directive and the draft European constitution could
have significant implications for UK employers.

However, there is one issue where Guru joins hands with his brothers from
Europe: expenses. Members of the European Parliament have managed to derail
attempts to reform the chamber’s famously lavish expenses regime.

Apparently, reformers were trying to introduce an expenses system based on
actual cost and backed up by receipts.

What a ridiculous concept! Guru’s whole lifestyle would be in jeopardy if it
caught on.

Chocoholics wanted to fill teaching posts

Part of an effective recruitment campaign is about convincing potential
applicants that their basic employment needs will be met on a day-to-day basis.

Guru was very impressed to see Hempstead Infants School in Kent, take this
approach to its logical and most primal conclusion by offering in its
recruitment adverts an unlimited supply of chocolate, as well as career
development help and staff counselling.

While other schools in the area not offering chocolate still have 47
unfilled posts, Hempstead has been deluged with applications.

Guru also has basic needs. Following a bit of research of his own, he has
found that chocolate releases the same endorphins as those released during
sexual encounters. So, armed with a Milky Bar, Guru is off to do some
‘recruiting’ of his own. Have chocolate, will travel (don’t tell Mrs Guru)…

Guru checks out if love is on the menu

…but perhaps Mrs Guru need not fear Guru’s philandering.

A new study by Yahoo says that more than four in 10 men and women admitted
working more than 40 hours a week, leaving them too busy to find time for love.

Never deterred, Guru delved deeper (so to speak). The survey revealed that a
third of singletons questioned had tried online dating, but traditional
methods, such as meeting in a pleasant restaurant for a meal, are still the
favourite.

Thus Guru has hedged his bets and taken his electronic love locater (or
‘laptop’ if you’d rather) to the finest table at the Savoy Grill. If the survey
is correct, there should be no better way to get some fine rump (steak).

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