Guru

This week’s guru

Time management takes on a whole new meaning

Arriving punctually at the office every morning has never been Guru’s forte
– the incessant random thoughts that invade his consciousness ensure he is
prone to distraction.

One minute he’s in the middle of his morning shave, the next he has
constructed a giant foam pyramid representing a new approach to measuring human
capital. Guru has been warned by the MD that the next time he arrives at work
more than two hours late, or still in his pyjamas, there will be trouble.

Luckily, the latest technological development in timekeeping looks set to
help Guru arrive on time. The Rise alarm clock retrieves and interprets traffic
information that affects its owner through an in-built internet connection and
adjusts waking time depending on expected delays.

Unfortunately, Guru is already on his second version of this gadget after he
was awoken from a particularly deep sleep at an ungodly hour by its bleeping
and battered it to a pulp.

The census strikes back

There is only one Guru, but there are 58,789,194 people living in the UK.

This the key finding of last year’s census, but Guru is awaiting the data on
religion. He is hoping that as a firm follower of the force, the Jedi faith
will finally be recognised.

More than 70,000 Aussies put down Jedi as their religion in their last
census.

But despite the groundswell in belief, it has not been recognised as an
official religion.

With anti-discriminatory legislation on religion in the offing, employers
had better beware.

If they are as insensitive as Darth Vader when it comes to employees’
religious beliefs, confrontation could manifest itself in either legal action,
or a duel with lightsabres.

Don’t cry for surgery Argentina

The UK has so far managed to escape the worst effects of the economic
downturn and is enjoying remarkably full employment. In some less fortunate
countries though, job hunters have been reduced to extreme measures.

In Argentina the unemployed are so desperate for work they are spending the
last of their savings on plastic surgery to try and make a better first
impression.

More than 20 per cent of the unemployed have resorted to cosmetic surgery to
improve their chances of landing a job.

Dr Jose Cortes, a surgeon in the central city of Mendoza, explained:
"In Argentina appearances are more important than competence when it comes
to getting a job."

Guru suspects that this philosophy might have had wrecked the Argentine
economy in the first place.

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