Guru

This week’s guru

Mig-31 military makers are just off their trolley

Many companies turn to diversification to remain competitive in a changing
market. But not many firms diversify as radically as the Russian makers of the
Mig-31 military fighter aircraft.

The company has not sold a fighter to the Russian government for 10 years
and so staff have now turned their expertise to manufacturing trolley buses.

These are made in the aisles between the aircraft assembly lines, using the
latest construction techniques and materials and no doubt are extremely fast,
light and manoeuverable.

Guru is a little worried that the heat-seeking missiles could prove a little
obstructive once the trolley buses are in use in airport departure lounges.

Big deal over a small matter

There are obviously no skills shortages in China, where employers can be
surprisingly picky about the type of staff they employ.

Guru has previously reported on a company that advertised for sales staff
with a certain blood type because it believed they were more likely to have the
right personality for the job.

Now a student in China is suing a bank because he doesn’t meet its minimum
height requirement.

Jiang Tao is only 5ft 4ins tall, two inches short of the minimum requirement
for the People’s Bank of China.

His lawyer told the South China Morning Post the bank has breached Article
33 of the constitution, guaranteeing all citizens equality before the law.

The bank tried to settle the suit and has now withdrawn the height
requirement from ads.

Guru remains convinced that for communist employers all staff are equal, but
some are more equal than others.

Protection for prisoners of love

The Prison Officers Association is considering introducing anti-seduction
classes for its members after a warder was forced to resign because of her
affair with a prisoner.

An association spokesman said officers needed to be warned about the dangers
of forming overly familiar relationships with prisoners.

"Our officers must be made aware of their own and the prisoners
vulnerability," he said.

Guru has often thought about introducing similar training to his workplace
to help explain to some of the younger, more impressionable ladies in the
office that he is off limits. They can look, but can’t touch.

Sperm donors create super worker

Guru has been having nightmares about
a company which has resorted to creating its own breed of super staff through
some kind of gene cloning scheme, because of its failure to attract and retain
the best talent.

Scientific analysis services company LGC, e-mailed its male
members of staff asking them to visit the gents toilets and donate a sample of
their semen in one of the tubes provided, then place this in an ice box.

It read: "Sorry for the e-mail, but the crime scene DNA
lab needs some semen samples for making practice forensic exhibits and for
training in DNA extraction techniques." A spokesman for the
Teddington-based firm, said it was normal practice for the firm to ask staff
for various kinds of samples to test new scientific procedures.

But guru would not be surprised to see the emergence of a
genetically perfect employee who works long hours, never complains and certainly
never asks for a pay rise.

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