Making an ass of work-life balance

It seems there’s employment regulation for everyone these days. The debate is raging as to whether things have gone too far, with business groups beginning to claim the work-life balance see-saw has gone too far towards life.

But what about the work-life balance hee-haw? Finally, donkeys on Blackpool beach are going to get employment rights. Councillors will be conducting spot checks on the beach to make sure our furry friends don’t work longer than 10am to 7pm – with an hour off for lunch – as well as Fridays off.

Sadly, Guru would like to announce the end of donkeys on Blackpool beach, since he has employed them all himself having sacked the rest of his staff. None of the old lot were willing to work until 7pm, nor were they willing to carry Guru home after work – no matter how much he asked.

So beware the work-life balance agenda – it makes asses of us all.

Mother of all jobs explained online

It’s not often Guru worries about running a story. Frankly, the consequences can go hang as long as the bundle of cash and the one-way ticket to a small country without extradition treaties remain safely tucked under the bed.

However, this story just might be the exception.

We have an ageing population; we need more mothers and, frankly, this isn’t going to help. But history will judge Guru, so have a read of this job description from www.fulltimemothers.org, which allegedly is campaigning to ‘enhance the status and self-esteem of mothers at home’…

Position: Mother, Mum, Mama, Ma

Job description: Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organisational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

Responsibilities: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the garden are not someone just crying wolf.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and co-ordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organise social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

Possibility for advancement and promotion: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

Previous experience: None required. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Salary: You pay them. Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that further education will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.

Benefits: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Slob with vicious dog seeks new job

The long list of cretinous CVs continue. Check out this one from disciple Nicky:

Interests: Rather than give you the general list of likes that most individuals do, I thought on this occasion I should tell you my dislikes, such as being nagged by my girlfriend.

I also find ironing a chore, I hate hovering/dusting [Guru assumes he means ‘hoovering’], meeting the in-laws, having to explain to my girlfriend why I was late home from a night out with the lads, and find it difficult to choose what to buy my girlfriend when it comes to Valentines, Christmas, and birthdays. Oh, and trying to stop my dog attacking every living animal on my street.


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