Resigned to live in fear of the darkroom

A couple of weeks ago, Guru asked disciples to send in details of their traumatic interview experiences. This request was all well and good, however, it did ignore the fact that the most disastrous interviews do not actually manifest themselves until long after the event. This is when you realise you have hired an absolute cretin who can smile nicely at interview, but in reality has all the usefulness of an ashtray in an Irish workplace. This is borne out by the following tale from disciple Lena:

“I am in HR and my husband is a retail sales manager. He recalls the time when he interviewed a very strong candidate for the role of dark-room technician for a professional photographic company. This chap had extensive technical knowledge of photographic techniques, darkroom procedures, and chemicals, was very personable, etc. He seemed perfect. All seemed well until one day, shortly after he started, when he sheepishly arrived at the husband’s office door. He was handing in his notice. Naturally, my husband was very concerned and asked why. It turned out he was afraid of the dark.

Next week: Your most hilarious discrimination tribunal stories. Or perhaps not.

‘Food fight’ fails to fulfill feast fetish

A press release landed on Guru’s desk recently which proved to be one of the greatest anti-climaxes in his long and distinguished career. It was entitled ‘Four hundred and fifty staff in a food fight’. Guru hoped to read about how a staff canteen descended into uproar after a disagreement over the whether or not a sachet of tomato sauce should really cost extra (which obviously it shouldn’t – so stop charging for it you tight gits! Sorry, a bit of a personal outburst there).

Anyway, it turns out that this piece of cunning linguistics actually meant that staff at a finance company (which shall remain nameless as it doesn’t deserve any credit for this deceit) were allowed to choose the caterer that would run their eaterie.

So instead of the bun fight at the OK Corral, there will be a ‘taste off’ in the staff canteen. How very disappointing.

Guru just hopes the staff aren’t under the same misapprehension as him when they turn up, or management could soon be eating their words. Literally.

A quick legal note should you wish to plan your own food fight, as we live in litigious times.

Each staff member (hereafter named ’employees’) should be given equal quantities of foodstuff that might be propelled from pre-ordained distances with exact amounts of the aforementioned foodstuff applied to each of the aforesaid employees with the precise velocities to be measured by a third party. Any deviation from this procedure may leave management liable for a claim for discrimination under the Employment Equality (Foodstuff Propulsion) Regulations 2003 (liable for amendment without notice).

How to manage the ‘Dubya’ way

It seems too good an opportunity to miss, so Guru would like to congratulate George W Bush on retaining the presidency of the good ol’ US of A.

Anyone who can get away with claiming that he wants to spread peace in the world while simultaneously spending billions of dollars on wars in any place he thinks looked at him ‘kinda funny-like’ is alright in Guru’s book.

This is the kind of paradox that Yours Truly often proffers in his quest for business perfection. And while Guru can lay claim to influencing literally tens of people, persuading millions that his way-out philosophies are worth investing in for four years is something that mysteriously still eludes him.
For example, take the following management approach that ‘Dubya’ favours – HR could learn a lot from this man…

“I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them.” – George W Bush, Washington, DC, 18 December 2000.

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