What’s the goal of the footie scam?

One thing that keeps Guru constantly amused – and stops him doing any work – is the wave of outrageous claims from scammers who offer him millions of dollars to help them transfer money from one place to another. Moreover, Guru isn’t going to be caught out a third time, so stop sending them.

However, none of them can beat this little recruitment effort, which is so full of holes that even a fishing net metaphor wouldn’t cover it. It reads as follows (with a few passing comments from Yours Truly):

You must be very surprised to be reading from me, considering that you don’t know the identity of the person writing to you, but rest assured I am writing to you with good intentions.

I am Mrs Nancy Doyles, the president and owner of Doyles Football Club, a club side based in Dublin, Republic of Ireland. (A quick internet search reveals this club doesn’t even exist – not a good start.)

I got your e-mail contact address from an internet directory here in Bangkok, Thailand (eh??!!), while browsing the web, searching for talented, fit and skilled young football stars.

Doyles Football Club is a club side I inherited from my late husband, Mr Patrick Doyles. (Why does someone always have to have died in these scams? Do they think that grief will cloud our judgement? It’s like an internet massacre out there.)

For best results for the team, I hired the services of an experienced English coach who has been a former assistant coach in a Premiership side in London, and our aim is to be at the top of the Irish league and [make] gradual progress to the Premiership. This feat can’t be achieved without the help and assistance of young football stars. (In fact, this feat can’t be achieved at all, as there is no mechanism for Irish league clubs to join the Premiership. You’d think that an experienced English coach would know that.)

The team is currently in Bangkok, Thailand, on a two-month training and trial tour of Thailand. (The football season is well under way. If they really are taking part, then the travel bills for the away games must be extraordinary.)

Reason for contacting you: If you can play active football well, please contact me… So far, we have got eight players from Africa, five from South America, four Asians and three Europeans. One American has confirmed his flight ticket and will join the rest of the team next week.

The selected players will return to the team’s base in Dublin, and must sign a compulsory one-year contract with the team. The dropped players will be compensated and will return to their home country with their return tickets.

What bothers Guru the most is that he can’t quite work out what the scam is. Are they going to be tapped for flight tickets? Will they be blackmailed after being photographed in compromising positions with Bangkok ladyboys? Your guess is as good as Guru’s – let him know what you think.

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