Guru noted in last week’s issue of Personnel Today that the HR community has been called in to help the police smash the gun gangs of Manchester. He also noted the fact that the nation’s lags – or at least, the ones in Nottinghamshire – were being paid for their good behaviour during the recent prison officer strike, to ensure there was no trouble while the proper guards were on walkabout.
Then, turning to page 11 of the HR community’s leading publication, there was the in-depth analysis about the right to strike, which mentioned the growing frustration of the police force in not being allowed to strike over pay and conditions.
Naturally, Yours Truly put two and two together and got 17.
The nation’s gun-toting hoodlums could be paid hard cash not to shoot each other in the face and hold up the occasional bank/Securicor van/jewellers, while the police indulge in a bit of placard waving and a serious bout of marching up and down – after all, someone has to do a bit of marching now that peace has broken out in Northern Ireland.
It makes complete sense and could be an annual event.
Rather than robbing banks, crooks would simply enquire as to when the peelers want to get out and stretch their legs, and put in an invoice for their non-involvement in crime on that day. The criminal classes will be overjoyed – what with not generally being over-keen on actually doing anything tricky like going out on a job.
Thinking ahead, miscreants of all hues could be paid to stay at home. Drug dealers could be paid for their stash, to save the nation’s youth from falling into the clutches of drugs barons; sex offenders could be plied with hard cash to keep them out of the nation’s parks; and corporate embezzlers could be passed large sums in brown envelopes to keep their fingers out of the till.
OK, so that already happens (it’s called the annual City bonus merry-go-round, but the principle is sound).
Of course, public services might have to suffer a bit, as funds are diverted away from ‘good causes’, but surely it’s a price worth paying.
And on top of everything else, it would empty the UK’s prisons, thereby giving the prison officers who started all this some time to kick a football about once or twice a week. It would also ensure we actually see some law enforcement officers out on the street.