Government health screening plan for middle-aged men is a load of hot air

These days, reading the tabloids can be pretty depressing. We’re bombarded with new reforms, initiatives and ‘contracts’. Occupational health, public health, whatever your persuasion, we all get affected by the next idea to come out of Downing Street, and I for one am fed up with it.

The latest thing is Gordon’s plan to get the NHS in the ‘black’ by screening out those who may actually need treatment in the future. Their details will then be stored on a ‘secure’ database and consigned to a twilight zone of ‘in valids’. Later we’ll find their confidential details available to all on MySpace. He’s got nothing better to do than mess about with the NHS, which is pretty good at messing about with itself and needs no help from him!

The latest buzzwords are ‘preventative’ and ‘self-help’, so we’re presented with a ‘preventative service’ that is exactly that – preventing everyone from getting treatment. I’m told by those in the know that every home will be issued with a ‘Home Doctor Encyclopaedia’, so that we can all ‘do it ourselves’ – the DIY healthcare pack delivered straight to your door. This is progressive medicine.

My Department of Health contact ‘leaked’ Gordon’s new ‘Alternative Screening List’, which I feel duty bound to give you a flavour of:

The New NHS Screening Plan – Health & Greenhouse Gases – the way forward:

To assist in the battle against climate change, all people over the age of 40 will receive methane emission screening (MES). This simple and economical test involves eating a tin of baked beans and a packet of apricots and immersion in a bath of warm water. Those failing to meet Health and Safety Executive emission standards should be moved to open plan offices and not conduct meetings in confined spaces as identified in the Confined Spaces Regulations 1997.

PC disorder – (not IT-related)

Anyone trained in ethnicity/ diversity who also shows signs of assertiveness or obsessive compulsive disorder should also have the MES, as dietary habits are generally of a vegetarian/vegan nature, and may impact on the environment and are socially unacceptable.

I ask you, is the old windbag full of hot air or what?

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