Ockey elf: Diary of an occupational health nurse

Day 1: Swine flu vaccination day. They all looked like pigs before I started – well, it is a pie factory – even more pig-like after the jab.

Day 2: Well-man screening at Slocombes Department Store, certainly a lot of mincing about by the male staff and we’re not screening for that – Torsion of the Testes, I wonder?

Day 3: Respiratory health surveillance at the pie factory. Sure enough, the little piggies huffed and puffed but couldn’t blow the house down; 20 fags a day don’t help.

Day 4: Case management at Reed Publishing – too much Twittering going on. I suspect a bird flu pandemic and notify CMO.

Day 5: Presentation to prospective client Ann Summers, large mail order business apparently and teams of party hostesses. I hope that I’ll be expected to enter into the spirit of things if we’re successful with this one.

Day 6 & 7: Weekend – sex, drugs and rock & roll!

Day 8: Back at Ropers, the managing director Mrs Slocombe is having trouble with her pussy – told her it was a vet she needed, not an OH nurse.

Day 9: Health promotion day at Fur & Feather Zoological Gardens; funny how keepers look like their charges. Oswald the owl keeper has an extraordinary neck rotation ability and preference for working nights; HR are worried about this. Next case, a baboon keeper. I’ll give you three guesses what his problem was.

Day 10: Car broke down on the way to a Hep B vac clinic, what luck; shame the AA man had a bad case of halitosis and verbal diarrhoea. As usual can never keep a diary longer than a week into the New Year – by the way, got the Ann Summers contract.

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