Recession hastens search for dream job

Looking for a job? Me too. I want flexible working, a car allowance, a laptop and a mobile phone, and I want the word ‘Manager’ in the title. I don’t want to do much managing, though – an administrator would be OK and an occupational health practitioner. They just get on and do it, really, don’t they?

If I must report to someone, I’d opt for an HR manager, not one of those health and safety blokes. They always have a chip on their shoulder just because we’re professionals and they’re not. And I don’t want anything to do with IOSH, either – don’t rate them much. Do you know some OHNs join them just to have a few more letters after their name? Pathetic.

I want a nice large office with air conditioning and a female secretary who brings in coffee and cake on time without being asked. The women are more cut out for servitude and know how to nurture my complex, corporate psyche.

I’ve been looking for some time, but there’s just nothing that fits my spec – all the ads are looking for ‘the full OH remit’. Don’t want much, do they? I certainly wouldn’t consider a ‘Provider’ – nothing short of slave labour. Working for them during this time of recession, the pay is peanuts, like we’re all so desperate.

Something will soon turn up. My kind of talent won’t go unnoticed for long. Maybe I should offer my services to the Department of Health or the Department for Work and Pensions? Those civil servants have a rare old time of it and don’t do much, do they? The perks just about meet my requirements. I’ll keep you all informed of how I get on – it’s in the bag, I’d say.

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