Getting hammered is best therapy

How often do the ‘voices’ tell you to smash, break and damage everything around you when it all gets too much in the office?

To combat the dangerous thoughts that most of us, thankfully, don’t act upon, some enterprising Spaniards have launched ‘damage therapy’.
For 40, you can spend up to two hours smashing things to bits using a large sledgehammer in the scrap yard in Soria in central Spain.

Apparently, no-one has managed more than half an hour yet.

One heavily sweating office bod commented: “I go after a bad day at work. I take a mobile phone, put it on the ground and smash it to bits with a single thump. You cannot imagine how satisfying that is.”

While you smash up your items of choice (other bits include cars, computers and TVs), your psychotic ballet will be accompanied by heavy rock music. That’ll keep the voices quiet for a while.

Conductor sick of life in the bus lane

Stories ranging from the sublime to the ridiculous keep landing on Guru’s desk following a request that you send in your recruitment disasters.

We’ve already seen a night watchman and a darkroom technician who were both afraid of the dark. This week, Stewart, an HR director and disciple from Preston, not only confirmed our story from last week regarding the night watchman and his fear of things that go bump in the night, but offered a couple of horror stories of his own…

Bus conductors were required to pass a PSV medical, and after examination by the doctor, Mr X passed.

After completing an office-based, two-day induction, he was then sent out on the road with an experienced conductor – and a medical problem quickly came to light. He was travel sick.

We also had a gravedigger – employee specification: big, strong, likes digging – who fainted when he attended his first funeral.

Perhaps if the trade unions were told these stories they wouldn’t be so against Gordon Brown’s government efficiency drives. Then again, with the rise of the ‘awkward squad’, it seems that night watchmen and bus conductors of the ilk mentioned above might well be behind the whole movement.

Let Guru put fear of God in your staff

As you probably know, a phobia is defined as an ‘unreasonable sort of fear that can cause avoidance and panic’. With the stories of the staff mentioned previously in mind, Guru thought it was time to give away some presents in his own inimitable and totally reasonable way.

Just e-mail guru@personnel today.com and tell him what the first phobia is alphabetically, and what the last is. All those in between can probably be filled by unfortunate HR people who have hired staff with things such as hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia – the fear of long words.

The first 10 correct entrants will receive a copy of Can I Sack The B*****d? – A Practical Guide To Discipline And Dismissal by lawyer and consultant, Kate Russell.

The book has a structured approach, breaking procedural, legal and practical elements of discipline into clear, manageable chunks. Checklists and templates give the reader useful pointers and the layout makes it quick and easy to use (visit www.russell-personnel.com).

While the phobic tales we have heard are all detrimental to the company, Guru thinks it’s time to harness irrational fears for the good of business.

Using very clever psychological techniques, he has created Guruphobia – a combination of clinophobia (fear of going to bed), achluophobia (fear of darkness) and stasibasiphobia (fear of walking). When unleashed on your staff, they will think there is nothing better than sitting rooted to their desk, working through the night in a nicely lit office.

For an exorbitant fee, Guru will come to your office and work his magic. Be afraid, be very afraid…


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