Ockey Elf: Why won’t Gordon let us look after ourselves?

I’m a bit grumpy this month, readers. All my creature comforts have been taken away from me – no bacon, egg and beans for breakfast, no chip butties for lunch, the fags went a while ago, and Mrs Elf informs me that the drink’ll be next, just as she was pouring herself a large Egg Nogg.

You’d think Gordon and his henchmen would have more to worry about than what we eat and drink every day – after all, the country’s in financial ruin. Ironic, when you remember that he was Chancellor of the Exchequer. I wonder if that’s why Tony had had enough Gordon was snooping round his dustbin looking for signs of dietary impropriety.

Not only do we have the ‘Food Police’ monitoring our intake of fat, salt and sugar, but there is a lot of attention on ‘Men’s Health’, which has made me very uneasy. I know us males do not always practice what we preach, but it’s a different thing entirely when you’re told to examine your bits. And what’s more, we’ve been warned that if we don’t do it ourselves, then someone else will.

No wonder Gordon’s cabinet have turned against him. Can’t you just imagine the morning briefing session, which starts with personal confessions of how many units were consumed the night before (and you know that their units are not the same size as ours they get three for one because we’re in the EU and the measures are bigger there). It’s with this philosophy in mind that I stocked up with that treasured European tipple Liebfraumilch at the ‘offey’ last night. Doesn’t go far in a half pint glass, though.

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