Guided by the example of Her Royal Highness and her extended family, the UK’s miscreant community has long taken sponging off the state as a way of life. However, according to a leading hobo-economist, the monetary value of state handouts has diminished so much in recent years that society’s newest breed of outcasts has had to adopt Robin Hood-like strategies in their bid for the basics of life – mobile phones, iPods, BlackBerries, etc.
But fear not. According to the long line of ‘experts’ hurriedly wheeled out to tell us why teenagers do bad things, our behooded chums need more to fulfil their basic needs and desires, as just stealing your stuff is simply no longer enough for the upwardly mobile self-unemployed. Going that extra mile requires something else – they have to get enjoyment out of their chosen occupation they have to be driven to succeed (preferably in a knocked-off Series 5 BMW) and they have to get some no-job satisfaction from their endeavours.
Unlike Conservative leader David Cameron, Guru feels no urge to hug the hoods, but sees this as an ideal opportunity to awaken a golden age for training specialists.
Coaches and mentors – roughly discarded at the first sniff of a downturn – could be permanently employed to roam the streets, get down with the kids, and skilfully deploy their best motivational initiatives to shepherd our hooded chums away from their lives of crime and misdemeanours.
Remember, a training budget is not just for Christmas.