Detection racket in Serb workplaces

The war in Serbia is now officially over, but its legacy remains firmly rooted in the workplace.

In a move that has strong reminiscences of the bad-old-days of the military, employers are increasingly using lie detectors to ask people difficult questions, such as ‘do you like your boss?’ and ‘are you loyal to your company?’. Naturally, the unions are up in arms about the use of the lie detectors.

Miroslav Topakovic, general secretary of the Serbian general workers’ union, called the growing trend “an outrageous invasion of privacy”, saying that even if it could be justified, there was no guarantee that these tests work.

However, one company offering lie detectors to paranoid bosses, MProtekt, said that the only time lie detectors were cheated was in the movies.
Guru has now given this some serious thought.

Initially, he thought it was a great idea and thought the weekly attempts on his life by his staff would at last come to an end.

But then Guru realised that if you did these tests in the UK, you’d probably have to get rid of about half the workforce. And the skills gap is bad enough as it is.

So he is refusing to endorse the approach, and will just have to face up to the regular assassination attempts. Greater love hath no man and all that…

One piece of advice if you are ever confronted by such a test at work: Guru has found the easiest way to get through it is to re-stage the infamous scene from Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone uncrosses and crosses her legs.

If you’re anything like Guru, then you’ll find there’s nothing quite like a sweaty older chap in loose fitting shorts and no pants airing the family jewels to put an interrogator off their stride.

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