Guru

This week’s guru

Newmonday hires Chinese burn king

Recruitment specialist newmonday.com has recruited a renowned bully to train
and motivate its sales division.

Former actor Jeremy Barton, who was a member of Mauler McCall’s Gang in the
BBC children’s classic Grange Hill, has been appointed the firm’s sales manager
for job postings.

Guru was a big fan of the ginger-haired hard lad and he is confident that he
will prove an inspiration to his sales staff.

No doubt under-performing members of his team can look forward to some
motivational nipple tweaks and Chinese burns, and anyone who really steps out
of line had better be ready for the upside-down toilet flush.

(Apparently Jeremy has already blotted his copy book with his new employer
after being caught smoking behind the photocopying machine.)

Italians spice up their workplace

Guru was interested to read that most Italians lighten their working days by
flirting and having erotic fantasises about colleagues.

Seven out of 10 Italians indulge in flirtatious behaviour and sexual
innuendo in the workplace, research has revealed. And more than a fifth of
those surveyed said flirty behaviour had resulted in having sex with a
colleague.

The study concludes that this sort of behaviour helps foster a relaxing,
supportive atmosphere at work.

Guru begs to differ as he is still sporting a black eye and walking rather
gingerly after winking suggestively at the editor last week.

One in the eye for NHS director

Talking of black eyes – Andrew Foster, the NHS HR director, got tongues
wagging at a national conference last month when he took to the podium sporting
a beauty.

Despite encouragement from delegates at the Association of Healthcare Human
Resource Management event, Foster was reticent to divulge how he had come by
his shiner.

Rumours were rife – perhaps he had riled the Deputy PM and walked into one
of John Prescott’s legendary straight rights. Or maybe he had forgotten to buy
any loo roll from Tesco, much to Mrs Foster’s annoyance. Or possibly it was
really was a simple as walking into a door.

But Guru has a feeling it was more obvious – Foster must have slipped off
the "skills escalator" which he told the conference is going to play
a key role in training healthcare staff over the next few years.

Union green light for red light area

Dutch prostitutes have announced they are forming a trade union a year after
the country’s Government announced the legalisation of brothels.

Members of the new union, which has yet to be named, have also won a lengthy
battle against the powerful ING Bank and can now operate normal business
accounts.

When the union becomes official next year the men and women who work in the
sex industry will gain the same rights as regular employees in the service
sector.

Guru suspects that certain terms may well be frowned upon during the new
union’s meetings. Officials may shy away from mentioning "sleeping
partners" or "lying down on the job" and section 69 will
certainly be taken out of the union handbook.