This week’s guru

Blunkett’s immigrant strategy in right mess

Guru is exasperated with Bulldog Blunkett this week.

One minute the Government seems to be listening to the enlightened debate on
meeting crippling skills shortages with overseas labour. Then the next,
Blunkett is being all Jack Straw-ish, taking a tough line on immigrants by
calling for them to make more effort to integrate.

Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP, said his party would use the Home
Secretary’s remarks in its campaign literature. He said, "He’s using the
same thing we’ve been saying for the past few years, and he’s now jumping on
the bandwagon."

Surely one of the keys to reducing racial tension is to ensure there is an
effective strategy in place to get ethnic minorities, immigrants,
asylum-seekers and refugees into work – or is Guru just being an idealistic,
sandal-wearing leftie?

Keeping Posh in frocks is key role

In the big money stakes of the Premiership, fame comes at a price. Just ask
Manchester United’s Fabien Barthez and Wes Brown – last season’s league
champions and star attractions at one of the world’s most glamorous clubs, this
season – chumps.

Despite being named the world’s richest club by Deloitte & Touche, they
can’t win a game for toffee.

Bearing in mind Alex Ferguson’s legendary temper, Guru wouldn’t want to be
in either of those players’ boots after their "individual" errors.

So, spare a thought for Man Utd’s new signing – no, not Chelsea’s Marcel
Desailly – but Rebus HR. Its skills have been drafted in to look after the
club’s hefty payroll.

While the company will not be exposed to the volatile expectations of 50,000
fans each week, hell hath no fury like Mrs Beckham if there were to be a
problem with the wages.

‘Tis the season to be jolly (sick)

OK, do you want the good news or the bad news about Christmas parties? Bad it
is, then. Guru has discovered that Christmas parties will cost UK plcs £110m
this year.

Not only that – about 2 million staff are likely to take time off because of
over-indulgence on food and drink, according to research by Norwich Union
Healthcare. A fifth of all party animals are expected to take more than three
days off, with staff in the South East the worst culprits.

The good news is that the cost of employee absence is likely to be £10m
cheaper than last year – "Phew", you sigh.

hen parties are a pain in the bum

BOXTEXT: l Guru has discovered that
there can be heavier prices to pay at the Christmas office party.

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents is now
warning partygoers that the office bash can be physically dangerous. The biggest
risk this year will be those drunkards who decide to photocopy their bottoms
for posterity (Guru apologises for that one).

The charity believes there will be a surge in people trying to
emulate the actress in the Virgin mobile phone TV advert   who not only photocopies her bum, but then
distributes the images out of the window.

If the urge grips you at work after one ladle too many of
mulled wine, then remember the wise words of the safety experts. "It is a
daft and irresponsible act and often ends up with the copier glass  having to be surgically removed from their
bottoms," a spokesman told a buttock-clenching Guru. ch

Compulsory equal pay


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