No more monkeying around at work

They say that if you pay peanuts, you’ll get monkeys. Our simian cousins have come in for a lot of stick for their poor productivity over the years, but this could be about to change.

Scientists have managed to change lazy monkeys into workaholics by turning off a gene in the brain responsible for slacking. A team at the National Institute of Mental Health in Maryland, in the US, found that when they put a stop to the supply of the brain messenger chemical dopamine, the monkeys worked harder and made fewer mistakes.

Guru’s first reaction was one of delight, and before he knew it, he had begun printing flyers for his new service – Guru’s Office Brain Surgery – whereby Yours Truly would pitch up armed with sharpened cutlery to perform complicated procedures at employees’ desks.

But these noble attempts to raise productivity were stopped dead in their tracks by the framed picture of Charlton Heston that adorns Guru’s desk. Does no one remember Planet of the Apes? The film never really explained how apes took over and humans were left monkeying around. Suddenly it is clear – dopamine experimentation. Stop it immediately!

Yet again, it appears as if the Guru has saved the human race. All in a day’s work, you know.

Soldiers pull rank between the sheets

Office affairs are generally deemed to be a bad idea, but that doesn’t stop us from doing it. About seven in 10 UK employees recently surveyed admitted to dating a colleague despite all the difficulties and potential embarrassment it can lead to.

However, 62 per cent of HR professionals polled said they thought that office relationships negatively affect productivity at work.

Guru reckons there’s not too much cause for worry, since a large number of the offences have been committed by just one blue marauder, thus throwing the statistics way off.

But if you think it’s uncomfortable in your office in the aftermath of a failed affair, don’t join the German Army: it has introduced new guidelines allowing sex between members of its armed forces.

Gags about German sausages aside, troops can ‘go on manoeuvres’ outside of work hours as long as they pay due regard to a soldier’s duty to behave respectably. Seniority is also not a problem, allowing you to ‘pull rank’ whenever you wish.

This is all very well, but one feels the fall-out of a breakdown in relations might be a bit more serious than normal in an ‘office’ environment that involves heavy artillery.

Appraisals a little light on the praise

Guru has chanced across these gems, apparently from real performance appraisals. There’s no copyright, so feel free to use them yourself…

– “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

– “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

  “This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”

  “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

  “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

  “When she opens her mouth, it seems this is only to change whichever foot was in there.”

  “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

  “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

  “This employee should go far – the sooner he starts, the better.”

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