Staff could cash in on treasure chests

Obesity is a big problem in the UK (every pun intended, as you should know by now). There has been a 400 per cent rise in 25 years and the costs to business are as yet unquantified. However, bigger waistbands are meaning deeper pockets for US bosses – to the tune of $13bn a year.

Yes, this is news; but is it as important as the medical benefits of chest hair? Of course not. While employers are paying out millions in medical benefits, they are ignoring the ‘Magnum Effect’. As fans of the 1980s detective will know, he always got his (wo)man. He was cool, he got respect and he got the job done. What more do you want from your (probably male) staff?

So employers should breathe a sigh of relief to hear that Lloyds of London is offering insurance that covers loss of chest hair. Up to £1m could be yours if you lose up to 85 per cent of your rug in an accident.

A caveat: it does have to be verified by two independent experts, and hair loss from nuclear contamination, terrorism, mass destruction, war, invasion, or revolution is not covered. Oh, and fire-eaters are excluded, so circus HR people need not apply.

Guru urges employers to add this cover to benefits forthwith.

Making a real name for themselves

There are more job titles in marketing than any other profession, according to specialist recruitment agency Marketing Professionals UK.

‘Campaign Co-ordinator’, ‘Marcoms Manager’, ‘360¼ Marketing Manager’, ‘Communications Officer’, ‘Marketing Services Manager’ and ‘Brand Manager’ are just a handful of titles employed by those tag-happy marketing folk.

Jonny Cainer, managing director at Marketing Professionals UK, said: “At the last count we found more than 150 different job titles being advertised. It’s a testament to the creativity of marketing people that they are continually able to re-invent their own job titles although the specification is often the same.”

A testament to their creativity? Surely this would be better measured by inflating profits and not just their egos. Guru can think of several names that would apply to these types, but sadly none of them are allowed in print.

Football spat gives guru inspirational idea

Those of you who follow the little-reported sport of ‘football’, might have heard the news that the Italian striker, Francesco Totti, has been banned for three games for spitting on an opponent.

Now Guru doesn’t know much about this ‘sport’ as Real Tennis takes up too much of his free time. However, it seems the Italians are rather good at dribbling with the big round ball, and Totti was keen to prove this by sharing his bodily fluids (and fragments of his lunch) with the opposing team from Denmark.

Far from upsetting the Danes, this act of phlegm aggression lifted the team to new heights and the unfancied Danes – and lets face it, would you fancy a Viking with gob in his hair? – managed to scrape a draw (as well as the spit).

So get rid of the marketing egotists and get Francesco in to motivate your staff. You might struggle to pay his vast wages, but there’s nothing more likely to inspire the workforce than a nice piece of Totti.

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