Fatten staff to plug pensions black hole

Kill them! Kill them all! It’s been a while since Guru has said that and this time he’s not even wearing camouflage. Instead, this is an outburst akin to the moment Archimedes leapt from his bath and charged naked down the street screaming “Eureka!“.

Everything you know is wrong, so pay attention.

Some of the most pressing problems for HR at the moment are pensions, an ageing workforce and how to keep people fit and healthy. Has no-one else noticed the paradox?

There’s a pensions black hole because people are living longer and the debate rages as to whether or not the retirement age should go up. However, at the same time, we’re telling people to exercise more, eat less salt and generally strive for all round immortality.

You can’t have it both ways, you know.

So let’s kill many birds with one stone. Invite every fast food medium, from quarter pounders to goat-on-a-stick (a Ghanaian speciality, don’t you know) into the office. You’re also going to need free chocolate bar dispensers on every floor and bite-size lard snacks at every desk.

This will not only ensure pensions deficits fall as less people make it much beyond 50, it will also sort out the troublemakers who refuse to conform to your vision of the future.

Of course, there will be nay-sayers who will argue that, aside from the obvious moral issues, you will get a huge brain drain as people drop off the perch at an alarming rate. Ever heard of the law of probabilities? This determines that the more people you have going through the organisation, the more likely you are to hit on some major talents.

One caveat: should you also have a personal epiphany, don’t run down the street naked; it turns out the police were much more forgiving of nude gurus in Archimedes’ day.

Being there is only half the story

If you’re often struck with the feeling that you’d really rather be somewhere else (try mooting the office euthanasia policy detailed above to the board and you’ll get the idea), then why not give the MayDayCard service a go?

This outfit has proved more popular than pre-shrunk lederhosen in Germany where it provides a service that will send a postcard written by you from an exotic location that you never even need to go near.

If you want to impress your mates, the company will send cards from you to colleagues from Los Angeles, Hawaii or Mauritius.

Cryptically, the favourite false destination for businessmen seems to be Hong Kong. Either there is an almighty expenses con going on here or there are some very sad people out there.

Guru is offering an alternative service. He will happily fiddle any expenses so that staff can nip out to Hong Kong while the company thinks they are ensconced in Bognor. If you get caught, defend yourself by saying you did indeed spend £1,000 on a Chinese meal – you just had to add on the flight expenses to pick it up.

Stripping away the x-rated expenses

While we’re talking about pretending you are elsewhere, it appears that financiers in the South East are becoming more averse to their trips to strip bars – a famous boom way of entertaining clients.

Now Spearmint Rhino, leading US-style gentlemen’s club chain, has reported takings at parent company Spearmint Rhino Companies (Europe) Ltd fell by a quarter last year and the club has had to lay off 18 staff.

According to London’s Evening Standard, this is because the trips are seen as too ‘dangerous’ in the present climate and getting expenses signed off for such entertainment is getting more and more difficult.

Because Guru is such a morally upstanding individual – and nothing whatever to do with his serious dose of envy over financial employees ever being allowed to sign off strippers on expenses – he would like to let HR know that ‘SP Bar and Grill’ is what they should be looking for on expense claims if they want to catch staff out.

Note: The research for that last nugget of information was fully justified in being put on Guru’s last expenses claim.

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