Guru

This week’s guru

Big branding takes over Derbyshire

One Guru disciple, Andrew Powles, has uncovered a conspiracy which has
implications for all of us. In an e-mail, Powles told Guru of a new book called
Jennifer Government, which follows the premise that subsequent to the takeover
of everything by American-dominated corporations, everyone has to take on the
surname of their employer – hence marketing man Hack Nike, for example.

A scary idea indeed. Imagine then Powles’ discomfort when he spotted an
advert for an HR officer at North East Derbyshire District Council, with
application packs available from Martin Derbyshire.

Guru recommends disciples change their surnames to their employer of choice
immediately, thus pre-empting the corporate takeover and ensuring your place in
their organisation.

On this note, please send all future correspondence to ‘Guru
Hawaiian-Tropic-Bikini-Team’.

More sex please – we’re stressed

The latest figures from the Health and Safety Executive reveal 13.5 million
working days a year are lost through stress in Britain. Mud immediately gets
slung at employers for this, but we must remember that problems at home can
attribute to your own personal crisis.

This brings us inexorably, as seems to happen rather too often with Guru, to
the issue of sex. There is nothing more stressful than the knowledge that the
birds have stopped getting it on with the bees in your undergrowth.

According to a survey by the British Medical Journal, 22 per cent of men and
40 per cent of women have been diagnosed with sexual problems. And, a second
study found 35 per cent of men and a staggering 54 per cent of women had at
least one sexual problem lasting at least a month.

So when the grumbler at the computer next door says they are stressed, stop
their whining by pointing out that HMV has a great deal on the Good Sex Guide.
While Guru wants to help, he warns disciples not to lose sight of the bottom
line. As with all business, sex is a race – there’s no prize for second place.

Why did the blonde win compensation?

Regular disciples might have noticed Guru’s penchant for getting peeved when
the issue of compensation rears its ugly head. Nowadays, if someone looks at
you the wrong way there will be a no win/no fee chappy who will leap to your
legal aid from behind the nearest bush.

But just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, the Bosnians have
really pushed the boat out. They are set to make blonde jokes illegal under new
laws that will enable women to sue people who make jokes about their hair
colour.

Not only does this raise the question of whether ‘ginger baiting’ will be
OK, but cases brought under the gender equality law will surely be biased, as
gentlemen (of the jury) prefer blondes.

And what if collar and cuffs don’t match? Can you discriminate against
blonde from a bottle? Conversely, if a blonde dyes her hair brown, would it be
alright to call it ‘artificial intelligence’, or would that amount to reverse
discrimination?

Textual harassment upsets the wives

One woman you wouldn’t be rude to, whatever her hair colour, is fitness
instructor Laura Church, who was fired from Gillingham Football Club after
texting a congratulatory message to one of the players in the middle of the
night.

Miss Church, a member of the British judo team for 10 years, is claiming she
was sexually discriminated against because the message would not have resulted
in dismissal if a man had sent it.

Apparently, the team chairman said the wives were getting jealous. Guru
can’t imagine a more volatile type of woman to upset than a footballer’s wife
who comes from Sittingbourne, Kent.

In fact, Guru is surprised no-one has been murdered. Perhaps there is some
kind of official process that needs to be undertaken before a person can be
legally battered to death with fake Gucci handbags.