Guru

This week’s guru

Indiscretions prove a headache for starters

More than three-quarters of office workers rank their first day in a new job
as one of the most daunting experiences of their adult lives.

A survey of 1,500 workers reveals that for 98 per cent their biggest fear is
making a major blunder on their first day and 53 per cent have actually done
so.

According to Office Angels, common first day cock-ups include failing to
recognise the person who interviewed you, swearing in front of your new boss
and revealing too much personal information.

Guru is well aware of possible first-day pitfalls.

On one occasion, anxious to ingratiate himself to new colleagues he told a
sexist joke about a goat and a bicycle, let slip an inappropriately detailed
account of the night he first met Mrs Guru and sang an extremely rude rugby
song.

His second day was much more straightforward – he was asked to clear his
desk and leave the building.

Firemen ignite the flames of love lust

Guru is thinking of joining the fire
brigade after research reveals that this is the profession with the biggest
pulling power.

Nearly half of women surveyed by Fish4jobs report they think
firemen have the sexiest job, 24 per cent get hot under the collar for
policemen, and 20 per cent go for doctors.

Finance directors also scored well with 13 per cent of female
respondents highlighting this as an attractive job because of the combination
of a suit and money. Surprisingly, the role of HR guru did not feature as a
fantasy figure for the majority of the ladies out there.

Somewhat predictably, men have a thing for nurses and a fifth
fancy air hostesses.

Why couldn’t it have been No 10?

Guru got all excited as he walked along Downing Street last
week.

To his left, was a bank of photographers and journalists. To
his right, was a red carpet leading up to number 10. For a second, he thought
he might make the Six o’Clock News.

But he was promptly ushered along to number 11, and locked in a
small room with a bunch of noisy, opinionated economists for a Work Foundation
debate.

While the discussion – Can the UK manage? – was lively (with
the answer seeming to be ‘could do better’), Guru would rather have been next
door.

Can you imagine the frosty silences that must have ensued
Tony’s dinner party, when the guests were the Queen, Margaret Thatcher, Ted
Heath, John Major and Jim Callaghan?

Midlife crisis TV just isn’t funny

The self-obsessed, patronising and delusional star of hit
comedy The Office has been signed up to front Dixons’ corporate training video.

Comedian Ricky Gervais, who plays incompetent middle manager
David Brent, will be used to demonstrate how not to manage staff.

In the programme Brent apparently likes to think he is the
popular life and soul of the office when in reality he is a Walter Mitty-type
character who everyone hates, going through a midlife crisis.

Nothing funny about any of that as far as Guru is concerned.