You guys have never had it so good

As the dust settles on another TUC conference and Guru settled back to compliment himself on how well the speech he wrote for the PM went down, it struck him that unions sometimes forget how good they’ve got it.

Admittedly, there’s still a lot to be done – the campaign by Yours Truly for a five-day weekend is still to take off, for example.

But lest we forget, at least workers in this country have a water cooler to gossip around; at least they have the inalienable right to claim stress sickness without any real palpable evidence.

So when your staff complain that the evil management are mistreating them, show them these pictures [including a man sitting with his legs apart holding a target-practice picture above his head, and a woman catching collecting elephant dung in a sack]. Better still, threaten that these are revolutionary motivational training techniques, soon to be implemented if they don’t stop whingeing…

Melon-rage leads to a right ear-full

People often complain that the corporate machine chews them up and then spits them out when it has had its fill. So if you think this applies to you, thank your lucky stars it is merely metaphorical.

A grocer working away in his shop in the Ukraine was asked by a customer if he could have a free watermelon. When the grocer said no, the shopper, obviously believing the customer is always right, flew into a rage, leapt across the counter and bit off the poor shop assistant’s ear.

When police caught up with him, Guru imagines they were ready to give him an earful. However, they were too late. The appendage had disappeared, and the police admitted: “We couldn’t find the ear, we think he ate it.” An ear-full indeed.

Job out of reach for US president

The following text is from a real job ad, sent in by disciple Sarah Hogarth. Rather worryingly, it is for someone to test equipment that will be used underwater.

‘Minimum Requirements: The ability to print/speak simple sentences/recognise the difference between words and between series of numbers; add/subtract two digit numbers and multiply/divide with 10s and 100s; apply common sense to carry out simple one- or two-step instructions is required. The ability to walk, stand, use hands to finger, handle or feel; reach with hands or arms; and talk or hear is also required. The successful candidate will also be required to sit; climb or balance and stoop kneel or crouch; lift and/or move up to 50 pounds. The position requires close vision, distance vision, peripheral vision, depth perception and the ability to adjust focus. Frequently exposed to extreme heat; occasionally risk of electric shock.’

You will not be surprised to learn this is from a US company, which we shall leave nameless. And I bet you think it sounds a doddle to get into. But Guru wouldn’t be surprised if few people made it through the application process. It’s not the heat or electric shocks he’s worried about; when was the last time anyone you know displayed such ‘vision’ in the workplace?

Oh, by the way, the job also asks for a High School Diploma on application, and if that doesn’t stretch to the ‘skills’ mentioned above, then there’s not a lot of hope for the Land of the Free. Having said that, they didn’t seem to ask whether George W Bush had any of these ‘skills’ when they checked if he was ready for the top job. They just asked him if he could peel a banana.

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