Personnel Today
  • Home
    • All PT content
    • Advertise
  • Email sign-up
  • Topics
    • HR Practice
    • Employee relations
    • Equality, diversity and inclusion
    • Learning & training
    • Pay & benefits
    • Wellbeing
    • Recruitment & retention
    • HR strategy
    • HR Tech
    • The HR profession
    • Global
    • All HR topics
  • Legal
    • Case law
    • Commentary
    • Flexible working
    • Legal timetable
    • Shared parental leave
    • Redundancy
    • Maternity & Paternity
    • TUPE
    • Disciplinary and grievances
    • Employer’s guides
  • AWARDS
    • Personnel Today Awards
    • The RAD Awards
    • OHW Awards
  • Jobs
    • Find a job
    • Jobs by email
    • Careers advice
    • Post a job
  • XpertHR
    • Learn more
    • Products
    • Pricing
    • Free trial
    • Subscribe
    • XpertHR USA
  • Webinars
  • OHW+

Personnel Today

Register
Log in
Personnel Today
  • Home
    • All PT content
    • Advertise
  • Email sign-up
  • Topics
    • HR Practice
    • Employee relations
    • Equality, diversity and inclusion
    • Learning & training
    • Pay & benefits
    • Wellbeing
    • Recruitment & retention
    • HR strategy
    • HR Tech
    • The HR profession
    • Global
    • All HR topics
  • Legal
    • Case law
    • Commentary
    • Flexible working
    • Legal timetable
    • Shared parental leave
    • Redundancy
    • Maternity & Paternity
    • TUPE
    • Disciplinary and grievances
    • Employer’s guides
  • AWARDS
    • Personnel Today Awards
    • The RAD Awards
    • OHW Awards
  • Jobs
    • Find a job
    • Jobs by email
    • Careers advice
    • Post a job
  • XpertHR
    • Learn more
    • Products
    • Pricing
    • Free trial
    • Subscribe
    • XpertHR USA
  • Webinars
  • OHW+

Guru

You guys have never had it so good

by Personnel Today 21 Sep 2004
by Personnel Today 21 Sep 2004




As the dust settles on another TUC conference and Guru settled back to compliment himself on how well the speech he wrote for the PM went down, it struck him that unions sometimes forget how good they’ve got it.


Admittedly, there’s still a lot to be done – the campaign by Yours Truly for a five-day weekend is still to take off, for example.


But lest we forget, at least workers in this country have a water cooler to gossip around; at least they have the inalienable right to claim stress sickness without any real palpable evidence.


So when your staff complain that the evil management are mistreating them, show them these pictures [including a man sitting with his legs apart holding a target-practice picture above his head, and a woman catching collecting elephant dung in a sack]. Better still, threaten that these are revolutionary motivational training techniques, soon to be implemented if they don’t stop whingeing…


Melon-rage leads to a right ear-full


People often complain that the corporate machine chews them up and then spits them out when it has had its fill. So if you think this applies to you, thank your lucky stars it is merely metaphorical.


A grocer working away in his shop in the Ukraine was asked by a customer if he could have a free watermelon. When the grocer said no, the shopper, obviously believing the customer is always right, flew into a rage, leapt across the counter and bit off the poor shop assistant’s ear.


When police caught up with him, Guru imagines they were ready to give him an earful. However, they were too late. The appendage had disappeared, and the police admitted: “We couldn’t find the ear, we think he ate it.” An ear-full indeed.


Job out of reach for US president


The following text is from a real job ad, sent in by disciple Sarah Hogarth. Rather worryingly, it is for someone to test equipment that will be used underwater.


‘Minimum Requirements: The ability to print/speak simple sentences/recognise the difference between words and between series of numbers; add/subtract two digit numbers and multiply/divide with 10s and 100s; apply common sense to carry out simple one- or two-step instructions is required. The ability to walk, stand, use hands to finger, handle or feel; reach with hands or arms; and talk or hear is also required. The successful candidate will also be required to sit; climb or balance and stoop kneel or crouch; lift and/or move up to 50 pounds. The position requires close vision, distance vision, peripheral vision, depth perception and the ability to adjust focus. Frequently exposed to extreme heat; occasionally risk of electric shock.’


You will not be surprised to learn this is from a US company, which we shall leave nameless. And I bet you think it sounds a doddle to get into. But Guru wouldn’t be surprised if few people made it through the application process. It’s not the heat or electric shocks he’s worried about; when was the last time anyone you know displayed such ‘vision’ in the workplace?


Oh, by the way, the job also asks for a High School Diploma on application, and if that doesn’t stretch to the ‘skills’ mentioned above, then there’s not a lot of hope for the Land of the Free. Having said that, they didn’t seem to ask whether George W Bush had any of these ‘skills’ when they checked if he was ready for the top job. They just asked him if he could peel a banana.




Avatar
Personnel Today

previous post
Lib Dems plan to axe more than 100,000 civil service jobs
next post
Justify pay strategies to reduce industrial unrest

You may also like

New regulations to tackle obesity in the workplace...

31 Mar 2010

Visit Guru’s blog for your dose of workplace...

14 Dec 2009

A legal nightmare before Christmas…

11 Dec 2007

Guru’s backward glance at 2007

11 Dec 2007

Missing your Guru fix?

29 Oct 2007

Mad cabbies on the rampage in the US

15 Oct 2007

Guru – boozy CIPD to talk on perils...

8 Oct 2007

Cops gunning for a woman’s touch

1 Oct 2007

PM prepares clean sweep for the NHS

1 Oct 2007

Guru learns how to clean his weapon

1 Oct 2007
  • Strathclyde Business School expands its Degree Apprenticeship offer in England PROMOTED | The University of Strathclyde is expanding its programmes...Read more
  • The Search for Talent: Six Major Employer Pitfalls PROMOTED | The Great Resignation continues unabated...Read more
  • Navigating the widening “Skills Confidence Gap” in 2022, and beyond PROMOTED | Cornerstone OnDemand conducted a global study...Read more
  • Apprenticeships are the solution to your recruitment problems PROMOTED | Apprenticeships have the pulling power...Read more
  • What it really means to be mentally fit PROMOTED | What is mental fitness...Read more
  • How music can help to ease anxiety at work PROMOTED | A lot has happened since March 2020, hasn’t it?...Read more

Personnel Today Jobs
 

Search Jobs

PERSONNEL TODAY

About us
Contact us
Browse all HR topics
Email newsletters
Content feeds
Cookies policy
Privacy policy
Terms and conditions

JOBS

Personnel Today Jobs
Post a job
Why advertise with us?

EVENTS & PRODUCTS

The Personnel Today Awards
The RAD Awards
Employee Benefits
Forum for Expatriate Management
OHW+
Whatmedia

ADVERTISING & PR

Advertising opportunities
Features list 2022

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Linkedin


© 2011 - 2022 DVV Media International Ltd

Personnel Today
  • Home
    • All PT content
    • Advertise
  • Email sign-up
  • Topics
    • HR Practice
    • Employee relations
    • Equality, diversity and inclusion
    • Learning & training
    • Pay & benefits
    • Wellbeing
    • Recruitment & retention
    • HR strategy
    • HR Tech
    • The HR profession
    • Global
    • All HR topics
  • Legal
    • Case law
    • Commentary
    • Flexible working
    • Legal timetable
    • Shared parental leave
    • Redundancy
    • Maternity & Paternity
    • TUPE
    • Disciplinary and grievances
    • Employer’s guides
  • AWARDS
    • Personnel Today Awards
    • The RAD Awards
    • OHW Awards
  • Jobs
    • Find a job
    • Jobs by email
    • Careers advice
    • Post a job
  • XpertHR
    • Learn more
    • Products
    • Pricing
    • Free trial
    • Subscribe
    • XpertHR USA
  • Webinars
  • OHW+