Brummies too ugly to win beauty contest

Guru received death threats and surreal independence manifestos featuring the only original thing ever to emerge from Hull – the white telephone box – after politely questioning the sanity of Lithuanians who decamped there with the lame hope of finding a better life.

So Yours Truly is now wary of treading on toes and casting aspersions.

But hob-nailed boots weren’t made for sitting in the cupboard, and fortunately, it’s the Miss Great Britain organisation that requires some constructive feedback on the following lookist lament.

Apparently, Birmingham couldn’t muster anyone good looking enough to enter a beauty contest, throwing the UK’s second city into a new round of paranoid turmoil about its place in the world.

Not content with having the most outrageous accent and the worst architecture in the country, it seems Brummies have also been beating each other with the ugly stick.

The Miss Great Britain organisers awarded the Miss Birmingham crown to Sophie Wilson from Stoke-on-Trent, having failed to find a Second City babe worthy of the title.

Naturally, Birmingham is not a happy Brummie.

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