Guru

This week’s guru

Colleague now knows
who ate all the pies

Violence in the
workplace is no laughing matter, even when it is inflicted by a children’s icon.

Pork factory worker
Christopher Purvis failed to see the funny side when a colleague, nicknamed the
Honey Monster, bellyflopped on him. He suffered four cracked ribs and a bruised
spine.

Andrew Baldry, who at
23 stone must have eaten plenty of pork pies as well as honey, was convicted of
causing actual bodily harm at Ipswich Crown Court.

The jury, like Guru,
found it difficult to believe the Honey Monster’s excuse that he
"slipped" after a colleague reportedly shouted, "Go on Honey
Monster, jump on him!"

In a spin over a
faulty repairman

At last, someone has
found a solution to the problem of unreliable repairmen. Personnel Today
revealed that repairmen who do not turn up contribute to 56 million lost
working days in the UK every year (News, 10 April 2001).

Last week, a woman who
locked a repairman in her home after waiting 15 months to get her faulty dishwater
fixed has been given a new machine.

Diane Plant, of
Stalybridge, Greater Manchester, refused to let a Comet engineer leave her home
when he said he could not fix the machine.

Five engineers had
examined it over 15 months.

Comet has given her a
new machine, says a report in the Manchester Evening News.

Hackles rise as
hemlines go up

Guru was outraged for
womankind on his recent trip to Barcelona for an HR management conference.

During a lucid
conversation in a buffet carriage, Guru discovered that hostesses working on
Spain’s high-speed trains have been told they must wear short skirts.

The Spanish Supreme
Court, no less, has said it is reasonable for the national railway company
Renfe to demand that hostesses wear skirts at least 2cm above the knee.

Their union tried to
change the regulations, but the court didn’t think it was discriminatory. The
company believes it suggests "a distinctly high-quality brand".

Such sexist behaviour
would never be allowed in the UK, but even if it was, it is unlikely it would
have the desired effect – it’s difficult to notice a hemline when you’ve
adopted the crash position.

Your
mobile tune speaks volumes

Guru
received the red card from one delicate conference speaker the other day when
his mobile phone rang at a critical moment in the talk.

The
audience was really angry too when Tom Jones’ hit Sex Bomb struck up from
Guru’s top pocket – most had been taking a power nap.

But
the worst was to come. Guru was promptly told by psychologist chum Graham
Wilson that the chosen tune sends out subliminal messages about his life and
personality. Sex Bomb indicates that one is lonely and looking for love.

Those
who choose themes such as Mission Impossible or the A-team, for example, want
to be seen as dynamic, solution-focused individuals.

Guru
has now changed the ditty to Eminem’s hit Stan – it sends out a much stronger
message about Guru’s personality.