Guru

Yob offer is kick in teeth for UK thugs
Recent events in France have had Guru reminiscing about riots of the past, with the mod versus rocker ‘fights’ on Brighton beach (basically adults playing British bulldog) a personal favourite.
One of the more interesting potential solutions to the French riot problem was put forward by a Russian politician last week.
Vladimir Zhirinovsky reckons his country’s violent football thugs should be sent out to France to sort out the rioters.
In a telegram sent to the French government, Zhirinovsky said: “We are ready with volunteer units of football fans and activists who have served in military combat hotspots. I am convinced that our initiative would restore total order and calm the rioting within 48 hours.”
Guru is disappointed that yet again, the cream of UK talent is being ignored because of cheaper foreign labour. Surely some of Millwall or Cardiff’s finest could have jumped on the Eurostar and done the job?

Take a deep broth and count to 10
Guru is a cheerful sort, remaining stoically upbeat even as people were dropping like flies recently citing seasonal affective disorder when the clocks went back.
But just occasionally, Guru comes across something that even makes him question man’s inhumanity to man. Or, more accurately, woman’s inhumanity to woman.
A female employee of a Walgreens pharmacy in Broward County, Florida, has been accused of stabbing a female co-worker in a brawl over who could microwave their soup first.
“I don’t know if this is the most trivial motive we have seen for a stabbing, but it has to rank right up there,” said Jim Leljedal of the Broward sheriff’s office.
The authorities said the incident occurred in the store’s break room. Both employees were hungry and both wanted to heat their soup first. A scuffle then took place which resulted in one employee being stabbed in the stomach and both suffering cut hands.
Asked what kind of soup was involved in the incident, Leljedal said he didn’t know. The police just don’t pay enough attention to detail nowadays, do they?

Snowdrop puts the aaaahhhh! into HR
HR software doesn’t often make an appearance on the hallowed Guru page (unless an IT firm hands over a suitcase full of used fivers), but disciple Chris was so enthused about recent goings on at a technology company, that it seemed rude not to let him have his say.
“Not quite sure who has taken over the marketing at Snowdrop Systems, but things are certainly a little more risqu,” says Chris. “First, while visiting its stand at the Softworld exhibition, I pointed out that the backdrop contained a somewhat phallic symbol that may be deemed offensive to all – HR staff or not.
“Presuming this was just a marketing muck up, I signed up to news alerts from the company,” he continues. “I have just been sent details of its new marketing campaign entitled ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ which, coincidentally, is also the name of the Stanley Kubrick film whose synopsis is: ‘A New York City doctor, who is married to an art curator, pushes himself on a harrowing and dangerous night-long odyssey of sexual and moral discovery after his wife admits that she once almost cheated on him.’ Who said that HR wasn’t exciting!”

Stocking up for the festive season
It’s that time when Guru’s mind starts to turn to stockings. If you thought he meant Christmas, the time Guru’s mind turns to stockings is actually 6.30pm in the evening – and no, he is not a part-time judge. But whether we like it or not we can’t escape the fact that Christmas will be here sooner rather than later. So being the generous chap that Guru is, he has a couple of stockings to give away courtesy of his friends at Crowther Charrington Associates (www.crowther
charrington.com). This friendly lot will arrange, research, source, deliver, pick up, organise and manage pretty much anything you need that you can’t get round to doing yourself because of your hectic (social) schedule. In this case, they’ve stuffed one stocking for the girls and one for the boys, each worth 50 of the Queen’s pounds. Either go for them yourself or try and win one for a favourite member of your team.
To enter Guru’s festive e-mail competition, just answer the following question: Christmas stockings originated in The Netherlands, but before Dutch children hung them by the fire what did they use instead?
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