Guru

This week’s guru

Masseurs line up to feel the force

The way to stave off absenteeism is not by threats or back-to-work
interviews, but by massage.

In an enlightened move, West Yorkshire police chiefs are treating control
room staff to short bursts of acupressure – an Asian massage where the body’s
natural self-healing abilities are stimulated through pressure applied to
specific points on the body.

The 20-minute treatments have proved so popular that the force has been
forced to put the service out to tender to comply with European rules.

It is hoped that an extension of the three-month trial will save the police
£100,000 through missed workdays.

Through a positively untrustworthy source, Guru has learned that a fierce
bidding war has begun between ‘Hot Tropic Massage and Sauna’ from Bradford, and
Wakefield’s own ‘Taste of Heaven plc’. The deal is presently deadlocked after
both businesses offered ‘a completely satisfying experience’.

Guru refuses to get sucked into smutty truncheon jokes. Insert your own
here.

Cyber babe faces up to naked reality

Despite increased job security and ever-tighter rules on dismissal, it seems
no-one is safe. Connie, the advertising face (and body) of AOL, has been
informed she is ‘inappropriate’ for today’s more experienced web users and she
is to be stripped of her e-dress.

This was an event Guru would dearly loved to have attended, but sadly it
went on behind closed monitors.

Ever the gentleman, Guru is offering Connie his own e-male services at this
vulnerable time.

However, this cyber skul-duggery is nothing compared to the German civil
servant who dismissed his own mother.

The 32-year-old Berlin Senate employee sent his mother a solicitor’s letter
to say he no longer wants anything to do with her: "I am writing to
request that you refrain from making any contact with my client either by
telephone or through a third party, for example my client’s employer, partner
or work colleagues."

Apparently this anti-Oedipus is embarrassed that his mother is a cleaner.

Roll up, roll up: the euro finds use at last

Almost all euro bank notes have traces of cocaine on them, according to
research at the Institute for Biomedical and Pharmaceutical Research in
Nuremberg.

Seven months after the euro’s launch, scientists found that 90 per cent of
notes were contaminated with an average of 0.4 micrograms of cocaine.

In a moment of clarity and elation while on a trip to the Continent, Guru
realised this revelation could tip the balance on the UK’s euro entry.

Surely the Government can no longer turn up their noses at Europe – this
research proves the euro is nothing to be sniffed at. It must now be high on
the Government agenda. MPs will soon be lining up to make sure they cut it when
the matter is put on the table.

Charisma classes

What do Mussolini, Richard Branson, Che Guevara and Alex Ferguson have in
common? The answer is charisma – the holy grail of leadership qualities.

Guru always thought charisma was something you were born with, but business
psychologist Garth Spiers claims you can actually teach people the necessary
skills.

Spiers, who runs a charisma course for senior managers, explained: "A
good team needs a leader with a high ‘CQ’ (charisma quotient). They will be
flexible, aware and expressive in ways that will inspire their teams to
greatness."

Guru decided to enrol on the course, which includes elements on editorial
intelligence, experimental theatre and neuro-linguistic programming and found
it challenging to say the least.

At one stage Guru found himself attempting to mime the first sproutings of a
spring daffodil, while simultaneously completing a sophisticated set of
psychometrics.

It is difficult to gauge whether Guru’s CQ has been boosted, but the
audience at one of his recent keynote conference lectures on inspiration seemed
to nod off halfway through (although it was hot and delegates had just had a
large liquid lunch).