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Happy thoughts are order of the day
Yours Truly's inbox is overflowing with examples of awful applicants and cantankerous candidates, so, like any good employee, he's going to get through a few of them in a decidedly half-arsed manner.
Here are some highlights from the e-mails you have sent in detailing your recruitment woes:
- "When asked: 'What qualities would you bring to the organisation', the sweetest young female graduate I have ever met responded (in her formal presentation) 'happy thoughts'." Anon
- "His hobbies and interests state that when he was at school, he represented them in the 400m relay." Disciple Emma
- "We are a manufacturing firm and often receive applications from people interested in working in our 'whorehouse', as opposed to our 'warehouse'." Disciple Gemma
Be ready to man your battle stations
Anyone who's recently attempted to recruit a top-notch candidate for any given role in their organisation will no doubt be aware that the nation is in the grip of a disease that academics have called 'ability deficiency syndrome', or 'ads' for short. This is ironic as many of these people can't actually do addition, let alone subtraction, in the first place.
Now, in our sensationalist age, it takes quite a lot to make Guru sit up and take notice. However, one gloriously overblown press release came his way the other day based on the problems outlined above. If there is a war for talent, the person who sent this seems to have shellshock.
It was entitled: 'Employers fight rear-guard action in war for talent', and included the following paragraph:
"Many employers enter the market for talent blissfully unaware that it is already becoming a battlefield. This is a war fought by stealth and subversion rather than heavy artillery. Nobody is safe out there. Wear your flack jacket."
By 'eck! Time to build bomb shelters in the basement of your office. On second thoughts, maybe that should be dumb shelters, in recognition of all the substandard applicants out there who are fuelling this terrible conflict.
Not quite the right type for the job
Then again, maybe it's employers who are just not paying enough attention to the talents on offer to them. Disciple Julia received the following typed letter (who on earth still types?) for a utility supervisor's job. This c
