Guru

Floored genius in last chance saloon

The summer period is known in the world of media as the ‘Silly Season’, due to everyone being on holiday and nothing much happening. Sadly, certain Middle Eastern countries are intent on ruining the silliness for everyone at the moment.

However, one man who is clearly getting into the Silly Spirit is Corey Neddermeyer from Iowa, US, who was fired from his job after drinking ethanol that he found on the floor. It was supposed to be used as fuel for cars.

Corey said that he was “curious about the taste andits effects” of a pool of leaked ethanol that had collected and so “dipped into this lake of liquor and drank what I considered to be two tothree ounces”.

Later that day, a co-worker discovered Neddermeyer incoherent and unable to answer simple questions. He was taken to hospital, where doctors diagnosed acute alcohol intoxication. Apparently, his blood-alcohol content would have left a normal person on the wrong side of dead.

He then claimed the company shared responsibility as it had allowed the pool of fuel to collect. Clearly an utter spoilsport, the judge ruled that Corey’s claim “defied belief”.

“Just because some of the ethanol leaked onto the floor is not a good reason for the claimant to drink automobile fuel,” said the judge.

Yours Truly begs to differ – next you’ll be telling Guru that his plan to drink aftershave so that when he sweats he will smell nice is somehow flawed.

Man has growing urge to try and fit in

And the interview horror stories just keep rolling in. This one details a couple of chaps after Guru’s own heart…

Dear Guru

I interviewed a rather unique young man for a sales role and asked him to give me an example of how he went the extra mile in terms of customer satisfaction.

He responded that he had been known to satisfy his female clients to ensure that he closed the deal. He then added that he really was quite good in the sack and if it would make a difference to his application he’d be happy to “give me a good seeing to”. He then winked at me and said that really wouldn’t cause him any inconvenience at all and he was free that evening.

I advised him that wouldn’t be necessary, but when he got the rejection letter he responded by telephoning me to see if he could change my mind by reiterating his offer.

In the same recruitment campaign, I had another charmer who kept staring at my chest during the interview. He eventually leaned across the desk and grabbed the ID badge that was hanging around my neck and said: “That’s a really good photo. You’ve put on a bit of weight since then though… you’re about the same size as my daughter. She’s a big girl. How much do you weigh?”

I didn’t offer him the job either.

Disciple Laura

WIN! WIN! WIN!

It’s been a while since Guru gave out prizes to his dedicated disciples, largely because nothing suitable caught his eye and he was just being plain lazy.

However, in an attempt to weedle his way back into your hearts, Guru is giving away 10 copies of the superb (well, he has to say that as it is co-written by a Personnel Today journalist) new self-development book, The Five Minute Failure.

Have you ever bought, or worse, been given a book on success by your manager (‘cos then you have to actually read it) only to find it’s boring, incomprehensible and downright impractical? Of course you have.

Well The Five Minute Failure is the solution. It’s a witty (and Guru knows good wit when he sees it) and practical look at what it takes to get ahead in business and life. It condenses the scores of books and theories into one manageable package and does so in a way you’ll actually remember.

To be in with a chance of winning, all you have to do is answer the following question: According to the Induction to the College of Failure, what are the “finest virtues a human being can possess”?

Visit the website www.collegeoffailure.com to fill in your knowledge gaps.

Get your answers in to guru@personneltoday.com by 11 August.