Guru: Cocaine

You’d have to be a right Charlie not to

Have you heard the news? Record numbers of employees are testing positive for the class A drug cocaine. Apparently there has been an increase of 3,000% in the number of workers caught with cocaine in their system in the past decade.

Now a lot of people look down their nose at cocaine, but Guru knows these figures are nothing to be sniffed at. And overall, more than 5% of workers are now failing drugs tests, a rise of 18%, according to Medscreen, who are the nosey folk carrying out workplace drug testing.

But is this as much a disaster as it looks? The UK workforce is one of the most disillusioned in Europe, according to a recent poll. Only 17% of UK employees are completely satisfied with their work-life balance, and just 15% are happy with their working environment.

Now as luck would have it, cocaine (or the big C, blow, charlie or nose candy for those of you as ‘street’ as Guru) produces a euphoric high, which makes people terribly pleased with themselves.

Depressed working population mood enhancing drug can you see where Guru is going with this? It’s a match made in heaven. If you conveniently forget the depression, irritability, fatigue, paranoia and having one giant nostril (septum absentis) also associated with cocaine use, then that’s the issue of UK productivity sorted.

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So let’s all club together and make sure the 3,000% rise in coke use is more like 6,000% next year. We owe it to our kids.