Guru – Perky Polish brides bounce into Britain

Perky Polish brides bounce into Britain

A new wave of Polish immigration is following in the wake of the plumbers and barmaids – and it is one that no-one can dispute benefits the UK immensely. Apparently, UK dating agencies are scouring Poland for women with two impressive assets. According to reports in the Polish media, specialist agencies that match British men with Polish brides are desperate to find more ample-breasted Polish women to meet the demand.

Mariola Piotrowski, who runs such a marriage agency in Peterborough, said that British men knew exactly what they wanted. “They always ask first about a woman’s physical attributes – most importantly, about her breast size,” she said. “A good knowledge of English is not a priority.”

Guru reckons there are plenty of locally bred girls in Peterborough who satisfy the above two criteria, but welcomes the influx of Poles nonetheless.

Who said the European Union was a bad thing?

Small price to pay for good behaviour

There was uproar during the prison officer strikes when inmates at a Nottinghamshire jail were paid £2 each for behaving themselves while the screws were manning the braziers. Glyn Travis, assistant secretary at the Prison Officers’ Association, branded the decision “absolutely despicable”.

Granted, it does seem a bit of a slap in the face for staff taking industrial action against low pay. But Guru thinks there is a big opportunity for Travis and his mob here. Next time they organise a strike, they should offer each prisoner £2.50 to cause trouble.

If hardened Category C sex offenders can play happy families for the price of a pint of milk and a loaf of bread, imagine what damage they could do for 10 cigarettes.

All 758 inmates at Whatton Prison near Bingham were paid by the Ministry of Justice because prisoner co-operation during the strikes was essential. Guru reckons the government may find handing out pay rises to prison officers pretty essential once lags build up a head of steam on strike day…

Get set for 2012 Fawlty Olympics

Poor old Manuel he gets blamed for everything. First the suitcases went to the wrong room, then the food was cold – now it is his fault that the London 2012 Olympics is going to be a disaster.

Apparently, unless employers oversee a dramatic shift in the quality of waiters in the capital, they will become the Fawlty Games. More than six million visitors will fly home talking not about the new 100-metre world record or the risqué synchronised swimming costumes, but about the Spanish guy who dropped their minestrone in their laps at the Dog and Duck.

Almost two-thirds of London employers believe their staff’s customer service skills are lacking, according to Sector Skills Council People 1st. “It’s vital we look to eradicate the ‘Manuel factor’ now,” said chief executive Brian Wisdom, before turning smartly and goose-stepping out of the room. He mentioned a classic comedy character in a tenuous link to the Olympics once, but he thinks he got away with it.

Guru actually thinks Manuel would be a vast improvement on most of the customer service staff he meets in London. The Spanish waiter was always keen, smartly dressed, and at the very least entertaining. He was comical precisely because he tried so hard and always got it wrong.

Most customer-facing employees Guru comes across are about as keen as a particularly low-grade, slightly gone-off mustard, as smartly dressed as a hungover student, and as comical as a nail in the eye – more Steptoe and Son than Fawlty Towers.

However, apparently a further 43,000 workers are needed to prepare the hospitality sector in the capital for the 2012 Games. Guru hopes far-sighted employers are now scouring Barcelona for enthusiastic contenders.

Cookie grumbles in fortune fiasco

Guru was delighted to receive a box of fortune cookies recently. He immediately treated Mrs Guru to a number 43 and chips from the local Chinese takeaway, and then settled down with a brandy to enjoy the crunchy, sugary desert and learn what fate had in store for him.

Now, the Chinese are famed for their hard-to-fathom mystical soundbites, but Guru was truly flummoxed by this little gem.

“Assured is the person who chooses largest employer of physiotherapists outside the NHS,” he read with wide eyes. But what on earth could it mean?

Mrs Guru eagerly opened her fortune cookie too, only to learn that: “Itchy feet has the employee who think other job give better healthcare benefits.”

After much pondering, Guru decided that the message was never to base your Friday night dining experience around a corporate gift.

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