Italy lads to score between bedposts

It has been said that 15 minutes of carnal pleasure is the equivalent to running a mile. If that is the case, it might be a good idea to put your money on the Italians during Euro 2004.

There are reports that coach Giovanni Trapattoni has decreed that players are allowed one hour a night with their partners until they reach the quarter finals. If they can manage this four miles extra training a day, then they must be in tip-top shape.

But after that, your money might not be quite so safe. Mr Trapattoni has said that if they get to the last eight, they will be entitled to a whole day of horizontal tango lessons.

A whole day?! They’ll be knackered. By Guru’s calculations, that would equate to more mileage than a marathon. After that, there’s no chance they’d be able to score on the pitch. Bring on the ice packs.

Burden of UK obesity far too heavy to bear

When it comes to dealing with the issue of obesity, Guru has to tread lightly – unlike many of our heavyweight colleagues, it seems.

A report by the Commons Health Committee shows that obesity is at an all-time high, with the number of obese people up 400 per cent in 25 years! And that’s just for starters. Moving onto the main course, the report shows this means two-thirds of Brits are either obese or overweight.

So it seems it’s no longer just the haulage industry that is dealing with wide loads – it is soon to be the problem of HR departments everywhere.

What to do? Guru mulled things over for a while, and went for a fast food meal to clear his mind. And then – a lightning bolt of eureka proportions! If fast food is the anathema of the health freak, then what we need is the opposite – Slow Food!

Guru is lobbying for the end of the minimum wage for all restaurant staff. Service is bad enough in most British eateries without taking away a decent wage. Do that, and they’ll give even less of a fig. Impossible, you say? Let’s try it and see…

Employer brewing over £1.2m payout

Brazilian master brewer, Bernd Naveke, has sued the brewery where he worked for turning him into an alcoholic.

The dedicated Naveke drank up to eight litres of beer every day while working at the Brahma Brewery near Rio de Janeiro. He was discharged, and hasn’t worked since. Guru believes it’s unlikely that he has a 30-inch waistline.

A court awarded him £17,000 in damages, but Naveke (who must have truly smelled like a brewery) appealed, and was awarded £1.2m instead.

Maybe Guru has got it all wrong; this fellow is living testimony that worshipping at the temple of excess can bring much reward.

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