It seems all the rage at the moment to classify staff as animals in an attempt to highlight their facets. Last week saw recruitment firm Office Angels declare that most people were like lemurs – sociable and conscientious workers who keep their ears to the ground.
Then the Employers’ Forum on Age decided the workforce was split between roosters, who are well educated and happy, the undervalued and unfulfilled workhorse, and the conscientious but cautious sheepdog. Their final classification was the cat, who has an easy-come, easy-go attitude to work.
Guru feels a bit irked at this, since he’s been calling staff ‘animals’ for some time now. In fact, his last post in HR came to a rather abrupt end when he was caught corralling the marketing team so he could brand them. He thought this was a fine idea since they’d been trying to brand the company with little success for years.
Never deterred, Guru gladly offers you this cut out and keep HR zoo, which you can give out to your fellow HR team members as you see fit.
Crocodile – a snappy member of the team who is ideally suited to the redundancy process using their highly effective ‘death roll’. This ability is helped by their cold-blooded nature.
Rhino – charges in without thinking; is thick skinned but unstoppable when it comes to the crunch. Expert in sexual harassment claims, especially when people make comments about ‘getting the horn’.
Panda – the one who always saunters in at a time of their choosing with dark rings round their eyes. Unfortunately they are cute enough to get away with it. However, do note that in ancient days panda pelts were given as gifts to emperors, so if the CEO demands cuts, you know where to go.
Rabbit – sniffles around the place without seeming to fulfil any role in particular. Weirdly enough, they seem to thrive and are kept in abundance across the UK.
Parakeet – the one that never stops talking. Ironically, the word parakeet means long tail, when it should probably mean long tale. With all that preening and socialising, this team member is essential to getting HR noticed – but watch out for those lonely guys in IT, they are known predators.