Politician left feeling sick as a parrot

Another year of political conferences and another year without a single invite to be a keynote speaker. It’s getting a little frustrating. However, Guru would like to warn our elected leaders that the world of politics is a volatile one. Anyone can turn on you in a moment.

Take the example of one member of staff of Indian National People’s Party politician, Laloo Prasad Yadav. This loyal follower was known to call out “Long live Laloo!” at meetings.

The first problem for Mr Yadav was the staff member in question was a parrot. The second was that, for an unspecified reason, the parrot’s trainer, Mausmi, recently crossed over to the opposition. The parrot has now mysteriously begun supporting Mr Yadav’s political rival, Nitish Kumar, and cackles “Long Live Nitish” instead. How fickle.

Of course, the parrot’s new boss claims no coaching was necessary. He says: “It seems the parrot realised its mistake of eulogising them for all these years and that is why it stopped praising that party. Animals are very sensible – they have their own way of distinguishing good and bad,” he said.

Before you think this is a ridiculous story to feature in such hallowed pages, take a moment to think how many of your staff are liable to say what they’re told until the opposition muscles in and tells them otherwise. They will fly the nest for little more than a few pennies and increased toilet break allowance.

In this time of skills shortages, there can be but one solution – keep your employees in cages. Of course, you’ll have to be humane about it. An ergonomically-designed perch and a bowl of muesli to ensure they remain nice and healthy should do the trick. Experts call this enlightened self-interest.

Employee stuffed after turkey attack

Last week, Guru selflessly gave away some of his personal stash of goodies. These included chocolate-covered ants, some nice crispy locusts and cheese-flavoured worm crisps (of course, Guru could not give away all his goodies, and for this reason Bill Oddie shall remain locked in the basement for the time being).

For those of you who missed it, the competition to win these delights was to tell Yours Truly about the favourite nonsensical tale that had been made up for your benefit.

The following story came in from disciple Gillian Williams. Unfortunately, it was considered ineligible since it’s more than likely to be true. As a consolation, Guru would like to offer Gillian his gratitude, which is worth more than all the worms and locusts on God’s green earth.

Dear Guru,
Each Christmas, HR arranges for all employees to receive a turkey. These are collected by staff from the canteen and they all go home clutching their turkey in a carrier bag.

One team leader took his turkey with him to the pub after work and finally got home around 8pm. When he got there, he’d missed tea and his father-in-law was sitting in his favourite chair watching the TV.

The team leader – hungry and full of beer – asked his father-in-law to move, but he didn’t. So the team leader hit him over the head with the turkey.

Unfortunately, HR had supplied frozen turkeys instead of fresh ones that year. So the father-in-law was knocked out, the wife called the police, and the team leader spent the night in the cells.

That’s why he was late for work the next day and why he insisted it wasn’t his fault – because he hadn’t expected the turkey to be frozen.

Yet more prizes…
There are few brighter sparks in the UK than Guru readers. Maybe they’ll be able to solve a problem that has been bothering Yours Truly recently.

If you have a look at page 13, you’ll see that, basically, we are doomed. Our economy is dying a thoroughly work-life balanced and flexible death.

The East has more people to offer, who will work longer hours and who will do it for less cash.

The European economy is increasingly relying on folk who want to work shorter hours, for more money and who want to retire as soon as they’ve graduated. The sharper among you will notice the dilemma.

It seems like an unstoppable tide. Guru’s call for a return to the Empire have fallen on deaf ears. What do you think? Guru will buy an Indian or Chinese curry for the most imaginative response.

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