Productivity gap is real bitch to close


A Yorkshire wheelclamper, who immobilised a car while the driver was asleep inside, has been named the UK’s worst clamper.

The winner was identified after a national search by the RAC Foundation to find the clamper who acts in the most vindictive, aggressive or bully-boy manner.

The winner, who operates in the Howarth area in West Yorkshire, is the first recipient of the ‘Dick Turpin’ award for being the modern day equivalent of a highway robber.

Other clampers who rated highly in the skullduggery stakes included one who forced old ladies to pay the clamp removal charge in Marks & Spencer vouchers, and another who threatened motorists with large dogs.

Guru does have to wonder whether or not these people, evil as they may seem, aren’t the key to closing the UK’s productivity gap. If British managers used big dogs when it came to negotiations, who would dare stand in their way?

Guru recommends a trade delegation of wheelclampers should be sent over to the US to solve the steel tariff problem forthwith.

The US steel industry v Guru, Man of Steel? No contest.

Work-life balance is not just for Christmas

Back in August, Guru warned that Santa Claus might go off the rails after Harrods opened its Christmas floor on the 2nd of the month, thus giving the Bearded One a four-month shift instead of his normal 12 days of Christmas.

Now this blatant abuse of work-life balance in the festive community has come to a head after Disney’s new film, Bad Santa, caused “complete outrage” among senior Disney executives.

In one scene, a child asks: “You are really Santa, right?” Santa responds: “No, I’m an accountant. I wear this as a f***ing fashion statement!”. Santa is also seen drinking, chasing after girls and stealing. It brings a whole new meaning to Saint Nick.

Guru hopes that bosses will take note of the horrendous consequences that over-burdening workers can bring. And since he works a far longer shift than Santa, Guru trusts all charges for drinking, stealing and chasing after girls that are pending against him will be dropped.

After all, Guru has never made any claims about being a saint. And remember, Santa may just be for Christmas, but a Guru is for life.

Guru terrified by Shaw winner

Here are the last five quotes to win a copy of Body Language at Work. Thank you to everyone who sent in quotes, they have kept Guru highly amused over the past couple of weeks.

This batch, however, seems to be largely characterised by dismemberment issues. Guru is a little concerned, especially with Kate Shaw’s, which might merit psychological investigation…

– “If you don’t want your arm to fall off again, just hook a thumb into your pocket like I do. It looks so cool, too !”

Simon Spindler, director, People and Performance Consulting

– “Found your arm behind the filing cabinet. Here, let me help you put it back on.”

Emma Hall, Milton Keynes Chamber of Commerce

– “Wouldn’t it be funny if I pushed you like this and you fell over?”

Juliett Bohanna, training & development officer, Marie Stopes International

– “I’m pleased to say, you got the part of Dopey!”

Michelle Fletcher, HR officer, Schuetz

 “He lures the office girls into a false sense of security – he is actually a big slimeball, who tries it on with every bit of skirt at company social events and gets knocked back all the time! He is also married with two kids! Everyone thinks he’s the office to**er!”

Kate Shaw, HR officer, Ultima Business Solutions

As no one goes home empty-handed, all readers will get a free Guru wallplanner with their next copy of Personnel Today – to doodle on, or to mark with important meetings if you absolutely must.

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