Santa claws his way to global stardom

While the God-fearing citizens run scared of the young turks wearing hoods, Guru notes that one of the first hoodies was in fact a young Turk – an orphan by the name of Nicholas.

Yes, old white beard himself, ‘Santa’ Nicholas was quite possibly the very first hoodie, as he allegedly wore ‘a veiled garment across his head and face’. Santa could also have been the first HR manager, due to his dedication to helping the needy (workers), the sick (long-term absentees), and the long-suffering (anyone in HR admin).

A feckless youth in Turkey, Saint Nick somehow became a bishop aged 17 and, like many men of the cloth around 200AD, spent the next 13 years living it up in a very tall hat on the Mediterranean coast. But it was unlucky 13 for ‘Santa Baby’- as he was known to his friends – as when the Romans rode into town, he was given a spell in remotivational classes with the old hammer and rock.

He was not alone, however, and the cells were so packed to the rafters with bishops that the local petty thieves, robbers and murderers were forced to adopt new habits and take up the word of God. Slipping on the hoods of office, these commercially astute fellows took a vow of silence and introduced the ‘giving plate’ to enable them to practise daylight robbery and they’ve been getting away with it ever since.

Quite how Santa escaped and ended up running a toy factory in Finland is shrouded in mystery. But he continued to generate gainful employment for minority groups by engaging the services of elves, gnomes and other vertically challenged youngsters on fixed-term contracts in the winter months.

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