Guru

This
week’s guru

Tesco
in a flap about pets, hens and ducks

Fowl
language is definitely off limits at Tesco. A new code of etiquette means that
supermarket staff are no longer allowed to call female customers “hen” or “duck”.  After complaints from customers, managers
have been told that they have to replace local terms with formal greetings.  But the customers themselves appear to be
bemused by the move.   “Some starchy
folk want to be called madam or sir. That will not go down with Yorkshire
folk,” said one.  Being called “pet” by
Doris on checkout 25 is better than one disciple’s recent experience. The
letter was addressed to the HR director and started “Dear Human”.

Buy
a chin with Street credibility  

A
strong chin is the latest status symbol on Wall Street.  It costs £1,800 to place the implants and is
accompanied by neck liposuction to enhance the jawline. The patient is back at
work the next day, jutting out his jaw like Gordon Gekko.  It comes as no surprise that Michael Douglas
and Arnold Schwarzenegger have the chins that are most in demand.  One leading plastic surgeon explained that
people with weak chins are portrayed in films and on TV as embezzlers or having
weak characters, and this has led to the new craze.  And, just for the record, top plastic surgeons claim a perfect
chin is one where a vertical line can be dropped from the lower lip to the
bottom of the chin, balancing the nose and mouth without elongating the upper
face.

New
HR threat to stamp-collecting

Those
clever lawyer-types at Eversheds have created just the thing for HR
professionals who want to take their work home with them.  They have developed a board game called the
Employment Challenge, which tests players’ knowledge of HR issues.  It’s a cross between Monopoly and Trivial
Pursuit with players advancing around the board according to the number of HR
questions they answer correctly.  So,
smart alecs, have a go at this one: If John Smith were dismissed on 1 December,
by which date would the tribunal need to have received his application for a
claim of unfair dismissal?  Guru will
not patronise his disciples by giving the answer – he knows you know – and
concedes that the game definitely edges ahead of philately in the interest
stakes.

We’re
not out of the Woods yet…

Experts
are claiming that Tiger Woods is having a major impact on the US economy.
Apparently, every time the world’s greatest golfer steps up to a competition
tee, the New York stock market rises. The New York Post’s figures reveal that
the Dow Jones Industrial Average has gone up following Woods’ last 18 US
tournaments. The Dow fell by 20 per cent earlier this year but still increased
every Monday after Woods played, even if he lost. Many believe it is due to a
feel-good factor among wealthy fans. Fortunately, there doesn’t appear to be a
relationship between the English football team and the FTSE. Guru doesn’t think
we could survive a Black Wednesday at least six times a year.