This week's guru
At the cutting edge of staff appraisal jargon
Examples of funny performance appraisal comments have started to fill Guru’s in-tray.
Army officers appear to have come up with the best one-liners. One former Army HR professional admitted to claiming, “This officer has the manners of an organ grinder and the morals of his monkey”.
Another military disciple wrote, “Captain Smith is the sort of officer who goes through life pushing at doors marked pull”.
Or how about, “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of a sense of morbid curiosity”.
Another, from a Stateside buddy, claimed, “When she opens her mouth it seems that it is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
But on a more highbrow note, one of Guru’s academic chums has suggested a double-edged way to write a job reference.
The university professor always finishes references for poor ex-pupils with, “You will be fortunate, indeed, to get the candidate to work for you.”
Odd job makes sensi (honest)
Our crazy job title contest may have ended, but bizarre names keep rolling in.
Guru is looking for a sensi to turn him into a six-sigma black belt. Although it sounds like an appeal for a Chuck Norris devotee, it is in fact a senior project management job.
Championed by Motorola and General Electric, the role uses statistical methodologies to solve problems and improve products and services. Apparently, Ford and Volvo now have their black belts too.
One HR team has reported a head of health and happiness, and an antipodean friend works in a healthy, wealthy and wise department. Each has its respective manager, so there is a healthy manager, a wealthy manager and a wise one.
Ginger whinger causes CRE grief
Some of Guru’s best friends are Welsh, but he can’t help feeling they are over-reacting to poor old Anne Robinson’s quips about our Celtic cousins on BBC 2’s Room 101. Now she is living in fear of being lynched by fully paid-up members of the Plaid Cymru party.