week’s guru

the cutting edge of staff appraisal jargon

of funny performance appraisal comments have started to fill Guru’s in-tray.

officers appear to have come up with the best one-liners. One former Army HR
professional admitted to claiming, “This officer has the manners of an organ
grinder and the morals of his monkey”.

military disciple wrote, “Captain Smith is the sort of officer who goes through
life pushing at doors marked pull”.

how about, “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of a sense of
morbid curiosity”.

from a Stateside buddy, claimed, “When she opens her mouth it seems that it is
only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”

on a more highbrow note, one of Guru’s academic chums has suggested a
double-edged way to write a job reference.

university professor always finishes references for poor ex-pupils with, “You
will be fortunate, indeed, to get the candidate to work for you.”

job makes sensi (honest)

crazy job title contest may have ended, but bizarre names keep rolling in.

is looking for a sensi to turn him into a six-sigma black belt. Although it
sounds like an appeal for a Chuck Norris devotee, it is in fact a senior
project management job.

by Motorola and General Electric, the role uses statistical methodologies to
solve problems and improve products and services. Apparently, Ford and Volvo
now have their black belts too.

HR team has reported a head of health and happiness, and an antipodean friend
works in a healthy, wealthy and wise department. Each has its respective
manager, so there is a healthy manager, a wealthy manager and a wise one.

whinger causes CRE grief

of Guru’s best friends are Welsh, but he can’t help feeling they are
over-reacting to poor old Anne Robinson’s quips about our Celtic cousins on BBC
2’s Room 101. Now she is living in fear of being lynched by fully paid-up
members of the Plaid Cymru party.

only has it ruled out a cottage in North Wales as a holiday destination for the
Robinson household, it has caused a headache for the Commission for Racial
Equality. Offended Welsh people are demanding that the commission tackles the
TV presenter over her “racist” comments.

the CRE has had to stress repeatedly that its role is to promote racial
equality among employers, not bring feisty TV presenters to task. It has fallen
to the police to “investigate” this serious incident.

believes the presenter of The Weakest Link will be dealt with quickly. It will
be a case of, “Thank you. Goodbye”.

Norman no-mates join your games

time you’re off down the pub with your colleagues, make sure you invite Norman
from accounts. He may have poor personal hygiene, an unhealthy interest in
Dungeons & Dragons, and be teetotal, but if you don’t ask him you might
find yourself breaching workplace guidelines.  

City Council has issued a set of politically correct guidelines, which include
not excluding workmates from conversations or social occasions. It could make
snubbing a colleague a disciplinary offence.

sensibly, the draft document also tells the council’s 20,000 staff not to send
rude jokes by e-mail or display offensive screensavers.

councillor said, “You wouldn’t deem this politically correct if you were on the
end of the silent treatment at work.” But only Guru was listening, as everyone
else was in the Dog & Duck.

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