Turk makes fist of good intentions
Yes, it's the New Year, and I imagine your workforce is complaining that they hate the office and everything associated with it. According to reports, about 40 per cent of UK workers want to change jobs this year. But don't worry, they never do.
As happens at the start of every year, they are full of vigour and zest to get on and do something new and exciting. However, they'll soon be directing their energy where it belongs - doing exactly what they're told by people like you.
For the few mavericks that stand in the way of your totalitarian intentions, tell them the following story, which will make them thank their lucky stars they work where they do.
A German acquaintance of Guru's, who we shall call Herr K, fired one of his staff after the fellow punched him in the face. This seems fair to Guru, who has used this technique to get fired on several occasions.
Now you might be surprised to hear that our staff have some of the least proscriptive employment legislation in the developed world. Not so in Germany, where Herr K not only found himself on the end of a knuckle sandwich, but also on the end of a summons to an employment tribunal.
Despite following the law to a T, the poor chap was forced to reinstate this violent offender. The reason? He was Turkish. The tribunal ruled that, as an employer, Herr K should take into account the 'fiery temperament' that the Turks can exhibit.
Why not try this approach yourself? If you get fired, Yours Truly would be more than happy to represent you in the European Court of Justice.
Game clown sets peach of a poser
Guru has been asked a lot of things in the past, but this query from a certain disciple stretched him more than usual:
A friend of mine who jobs as a circus clown and goes by the name of 'Peach the Clown' has hit a snag in his employment. He has fallen head over giant boot heels in love with a fellow circus performer.
His dilemma is that his potential mate is also a clown, and like all clowns, the image must be maintained with individual and heavy face paint baggy clothes, a wig and, in this case, a character of silent mime.
The real difficulty is to stay within the law when making the mating approach and having regard for gender and other related orientations, if you know what I mean!
So, the question