Guru: More hogs emerge from the wilderness

Guru knew that the small d**k jibe (19 June) would bring more HR Wild Hogs out of the ‘wood’ work. Membership has swelled to a healthy 23, and we even have our first groupie.

Here is a selection of excerpts from the latest applications:

Dear Guru,

I am 48 and relatively happy with the way I have matured over the years – although ‘er indoors may have a different view. I still play bass guitar, but now it’s blues, not rock ‘n’ roll. I can’t do sex all night, but then I don’t think that I ever could. I now drink wine instead of beer, and have coincidentally stopped throwing up on a Sunday morning.

All in all, I think that being a Hog is way better than what I remember it was like as a Piglet.

Disciple Stan (Shropshire)

Dear Guru,

I have newly arrived in the 40+ age group, and ride to work on a Triumph Tiger motorcycle. I change out of my leathers on arrival, which has seemingly caused offence to some of my female colleagues. So I asked permission to get changed in our breast-feeding facility. But this was refused, as apparently it’s used for breast-feeding.

Disciple John

Dear Guru,

Your opaque attempt to goad HR Wild Hog replies with a derogatory quote from a senior female HR director has worked.

I am not sure how she knows such personal information. We have never even met.

Disciple Simon

Dear Guru,

Please can I join the HR Wild Hogs? I believe I am only tolerated by the rest of the (all female) department because I help them tick some minority and diversity boxes – gender (male), age (52), and sexual orientation (bisexual).

On the subject of small parcels, in my 30 years in HR, I have met some senior female practitioners who had bigger balls than their male counterparts – it is all so confusing.

Disciple Ron

Dear Guru,

I have been crying out for such a brotherhood all my life.

I have six sisters, and three daughters from my first marriage I have had two wives, and two mothers-in-law at university my class was 90% female, and I am even now surrounded by a department full of the fairer sex (who I am convinced synchronise their cycles).

Disciple Rob (Shropshire)

Dear Guru,

I too am surrounded by females and I have to moderate my behaviour and understand the need to discuss the ‘finer’ things in life, like: who is getting married is Primark a purveyor of cheap tat or a fashion leader and the latest photos of WAGs in Hello! magazine.

Must dash – it’s almost time for Hollyoaks and if I don’t keep up to date I will struggle over lunch tomorrow.

Disciple Mike (Gloucester)

Dear Guru,

I began my career in ‘personnel’ back in the early 1970s, when the prime requirement for the job was to be able to drink nine pints with the local union officer at the end of wage negotiations. Those were the days.

Disciple Michael (Durham)

Dear Guru,

I feel the need to create a sub-sachet of Veterans for those of us in our twilight years who date back to ‘welfare’ (yes, there are some of us who are still alive and, thanks to the age discrimination laws, still kicking), when ‘gay’ meant ‘happy’, and testosterone was served with coffee. But I am sure we can still give the ‘sows’ a run for their money.

Disciple David (Manchester)

Dear Guru,

Herewith another application to join your HR Wild Hogs. I’m rapidly approaching 50 and am now wondering where all the other HR males have gone. Have I missed the call of some Pied Piper-esque figure? Did all the others catch a bus to some promised land? And if so, is it too late for me to hop on board?

Disciple Ian

Dear Guru,

I didn’t realise how under-represented us chaps were until I attended our annual HR conference. The queue for the ‘Ladies’ was a sight to behold, and the definition of ‘smart casual’ rather broad.

Disciple Graham

Dear Guru,

We feel compelled to sign up our HR manager Mick. He is a man at the forefront of HR business strategy, with his most noted success being informing his all-female department that there isn’t one among us who is ‘anything special to look at’.

Disciples Rebecca, Ruth and Helen

Dear Guru,

I am a woman, but feel I feel I must respond. My employer has a Wild Hog personnel manager, and boy does he live up to the title!

Beneath his sharp suit and shiny shoes is ‘Boss Hog’. And I can assure you that his packet is perfectly well equipped.

The female HR director who accused HR men of having small d**ks has been wallowing in the wrong trough. Get down and dirty sometimes – it may pay off, as our wedding at the end of the year will prove.

Disciple Karen (HR Wild Hogs groupie)

It’s not too late to join the HR Wild Hogs…



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