Last week, I decided to get a bit proactive following the government’s plan to create a Department for Productivity, Energy and Industry. Seeing as the name ‘Department of Trade and Industry’ was now surplus I decided there was no reason I couldn’t use it. So I contacted the signmakers and got all the HR signs throughout the building changed to ‘this way to the DTI’.
I’m tired of being called human remains and other less flattering names. I’m also tired of going to conferences where the delegates whinge about how they don’t have a place on the board. So what better way to solve the problem than to do away with HR as we know it? It worked for ‘personnel’ after all.
Unfortunately, I met with two problems. One: the government realised the new department sounded a bit stupid and reverted back to DTI. Two: I didn’t factor in the priorities of the board.
The signs hadn’t been up for a minute before I was summoned to the office of our CEO, Lord H, where he was scowling at me at waving one of my signs dangerously round his head.
“Hartley!” he screamed, close to apoplexy. “What were you thinking?”
“Well sir, I was hoping to up the profile of the departm…”
“Hartley, you fool! If you don’t take the blame it’ll end up on me!”
So I did the same thing any good DTI director does in such times of need – remind his CEO of the enormity of his severance package should things go awry.