It had to happen. Just when I thought I had moved into a policy formulation-free zone for the year, up pops another one and catches me right in the metrics.
All because of an oik in sales, whose contretemps with some fellow pond-life in a pool-hall resulted in his name appearing in the local newspaper.
Normally, I’m all for dragging the names of local yobbery before the public eye, but not when it mentions where they are employed. Especially when it is the company that pays my salary.
So I was not surprised when I was summoned to the boss’s execu-suite for what his PA assured me would be a short, but productive meeting.
“HR, have you read this?” he said. “The man’s an absolute disgrace. I hate to say it, but he is almost as bad as a professional footballer. Worse, he’s tarnished our good name.”
“Couldn’t agree more,” I said.
“Have you sacked him yet?”
I’d seen that one coming.
“It’s a difficult one,” I explained. “Innocent until proven guilty, out of company time and all that tiresome stuff. We’ll have to wait and see. If he is convicted, then we might be able to boot him out – I mean, apply the appropriate disciplinary procedures.”
“That’s as may be HR, but it’s not what I wanted to hear,” he said. “Can’t you formulate some sort of good behaviour policy, get everyone to sign a copy, and then we can sack this sort of microbe on the spot instead of going through these procedures of yours?”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
So here I am formulating what I fear will be known as the No Fun and No Rumpy-Pumpy Code, even though its official name will be the Staff and Appropriate Behaviour (STAB) Policy.
No doubt its first target will be my back.