UK builders crack art conundrum

Builders are the UK’s leaders when it comes to knowledge of modern art.

In a survey, 30 per cent of brickies were able to correctly answer every modern art question, including knowing who won the Turner Prize and who painted the Mona Lisa. Six out of 10 even correctly identified Jackson Pollock’s paintings as abstract expressionism.

The cultured constructors beat 500 accountants, IT managers, retail workers and doctors with their brush strokes of genius.

While some might find this result surprising, Guru thinks it was inevitable. Look how similar the construction industry and the Turner Prize are – over the years, both have consistently been accused of displaying a large amount of arse.

Where no freebie has gone before…

Freebies and junkets are commonplace for high-flying directors, whether they merit them or not. In fact, recent fat-cat scandals have shown that getting fired could be the most profitable freebie of all.

However, in his continual quest for the ultimate freebie (PR people, please send offers to e-mail above), Guru thinks he has found a winner. Red Letter Days (RLD) are offering ‘the ultimate adventure’, and it is even better than paint ball sessions in Bognor.

RLD are offering a space flight qualification and a trip into orbit. You will undergo astronaut training in Moscow, followed by a 10-day space flight that includes orbiting the planet and docking at the International Space Station, before returning to terra firma.

But before you polish up the corporate Amex, it is probably worth mentioning that the training costs £150,000 and the flight a whopping £15m.

Demystifying black art of public relations

This week’s prize for the best act of training stupidity goes to Austria’s far-right justice minister, Dieter Bîhmdorfer.

There have been demands for his resignation after he authorised a training exercise where 70 armed police (most of them men), stormed a women’s prison and strip searched the inmates – wait, it gets worse – in the prison chapel.

Perhaps Herr Bîhmdorfer should have attended the PR Training Centre’s new course entitled ‘Do Your Own PR’. It promises to ‘demystify the black art of PR’ and ‘takes the busy marketing manager behind the veil of mystery and reveals the secrets that professionals use to get results’.

It all sounds a bit too voodoo. But, the course, which takes a mere 24-hours to complete, might confirm something previously suspected – some PR people could have been born yesterday.

Motherhood proves palatable for Tesco

Tesco is to employ pregnant women as wine tasters after they found out that getting pregnant leads to a heightened sense of taste and smell.

The initiative was launched after a pregnant member of staff in the wine department at Tesco HQ noticed that her taste buds had become more powerful and was able to detect tiny changes in taste and texture.

These findings contradict those revealed after years of personal research by Guru. He’s found that it only takes a few glasses for the physical improvements to start. And after a bottle or so, Guru becomes better looking and wittier. Never mind the miracle of birth, bring on the miracle of mirth.

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