Bunking Jacko fans moonwalk to HR

Well, the trial of the century has begun, with Michael Jackson arriving in Santa Maria to a flood of reporters and hundreds of fans. However, the media appears to have overlooked one rather important thing – aren’t these fans supposed to be at work somewhere? There are even fans from the UK over there, defending their hero.

Guru warns employers not to automatically fire those who have bunked off to support Wacko Jacko. For many, he is a rather god-like figure, and as such, they might well claim religious discrimination.

Instead, baffle them with a dismissal procedure based on the King of Pop’s own HR guidelines:

HR: Billie Jean?

Employee: No, I’m Bob.

HR: I was talking to the Man in the Mirror.

Employee: Oh, sorry. Why do you want to fire me?

HR: It’s The Way you Make me Feel.

Employee: I’m going to sue.

HR: It’ll be a Thriller – Don’t Stop ’til you Get Enough.

Employee: This is because of my trip to Santa Maria, isn’t it?

HR: Yes. You are Bad – a Smooth Criminal. Now Beat It.

Should you wish to follow this exchange with a crotch grab and a moonwalk, it’s probably best to wait until the employee has left the room.

Croc doc puts sick reptile in danger

The number of attacks on NHS staff has been steadily increasing over the past few years, which is clearly unacceptable.

In an attempt to raise a smile in these dark times, while offering some high-quality advice, Guru has decided to wade into the fray, with the cautionary tale of a Croatian doctor who faces the sack for some very dangerous behaviour indeed.

Dr Bruno Buljevic’s patients who were waiting for ultrasound scans were allegedly told that they would have to wait while an ‘important examination’ took place. Understandably, they were rather shocked to see a crocodile being wheeled into the operating room. It was Dr Buljevic’s pet who wasn’t feeling very well.

This was clearly an outrageous safety hazard.

Customs and excise officers across the world are really clamping down on the trade in animal skin. What if one of the people in the reception area had narrowly missed out on the last pair of crocodile-skin shoes in the recent January sales and saw this as the ideal time to capitalise on the presence of the reptile? It could have been absolute chaos, if Mrs Guru’s behaviour at the New Year sales is anything to go by.

This would have led to hospital staff putting themselves in harm’s way to protect their patients. If people just showed some common sense, these events could be avoided. Asking the other patients to wait out on the street would have been one possible option.

Readers will be glad to hear the croc was given the all-clear. Seems he was just suffering from the recent cold snap in the weather.

Caustic Cowell is the workers’ idol

It was announced this week that Britons would most like Simon Cowell as their boss.

Eh? Surely this flies in the face of all academia/research/other clever dicks who said we should all be adopting a ‘softly, softly’ approach to management.

Or maybe Guru has had it right all along. People don’t want rights; they want strong leaders to tell them what to do, when to do it, and, if you’re really generous, why they should do it.

First-aid provider Trust Medical found that one in seven people voted for caustic Cowell as the man they’d most like to see in charge. Perhaps even more surprising was Gordon Ramsay’s position in second place.

I don’t think HR needs any more telling: remove all non-statutory benefits immediately. Get rid of anything that is not nailed down and isn’t absolutely necessary (water coolers, for starters). And exchange all vaguely comfortable chairs for those little plastic ones with the hole cut out of the back that you used to have at school.

Rest assured, they will thank you for it in the end.

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