Employees rock!

New pension scheme launched

We have recognised that we owe you big time for bothering to turn up for work (and never mind that we pay you a salary, that’s our pleasure). But that’snot enough.

So we are launching the Total Salary Pension Scheme. When you retire you will not only continue to draw a full salary from us, but you will be able to take advantage of a range of perks, including a full silver service tea… errr… service, offered daily by a carefully picked group of butlers.

These fellows will be drawn exclusively from the ranks of the current CEO and his predecessors. This team of portly gents will be measured up for both butlers’ togs and French Maid outfits to suit every taste. They will answer to the names Jeeves and Mimi.

We have assured shareholders that the plummeting value of their investments shouldn’t be a concern. Our new investors’ briefing paper – entitled ‘You Can’t Take It With You’ – should persuade them that this is the sensible option for their cash.

Executive pay cuts

Yes, we’ve taken away the full-cream milk and are giving the fat-cats the skimmed stuff! Now, there will be those among you who will ask how we are going to attract top talent if we’re only willing to give them their five portions of fruit a day by way of remuneration.

The simple reply is if you ask no questions we will tell you no lies! Just be sure that in these days of corporate social responsibility there are plenty of go-getters willing to work god-awful hours under great stress in return for a fruit salad.

They’ll also get great experience standing in for the CEO while he’s serving your tea.

No more dismissals. Ever.

As part of our new performance management system, we will be making redundancies and dismissals unacceptable. To whit, you can do whatever you like and we’ll accept that your behaviour was driven by inadequate management or perhaps the loss of your pet budgie in 1987.

We have thought carefully about this and have adopted a French model of employment as this has been such a huge success. All we ask in return is that you keep the violent rioting down to no more than four timesa year.

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