It seems that Guru has stumbled onto something with this whole ‘strange CV’ lark. A few weeks ago he asked disciples to send in their application afflictions. Little snippets have been streaming in from across the HR globe, but the following covering letter and CV have to take the biscuit.
Disciple Joanna swears this to be true, and Guru believes her as few people dare risk GuruÍs legendary wrath. With that caveat for future contributors, read on…
To Whom It May Concern:
I would like to apply for the advertised vacancy for team manager; I am enclosing a copy of my CV, which contains all of my contact details.
I would also like to take this opportunity to draw attention to some of my more managerial qualities such as:
- Ruthless task master
- Whip carrier
- Very loud voice
- Ability to look busy
Thank you in advance for your time and consideration and look forward to hearing from you soon.
The following CV will reinforce any prejudices you might already have built up.
My vast experience of being a bitter old man in training has put me in an ideal position to pass on a vast amount of pointless knowledge. I see this as an opportunity to change the world for the better. In my leisure time I throw peanuts at old ladies and make customer services representatives cry. These activities provide me with an enormous sense of self-satisfaction.
- Genetic engineer team leader, Transylvania
This role has mainly involved me trying to sound evil while laughing through a megaphone to motivate the team to engineer in a more evil way. I hold myself personally responsible for the peanut.
- General labourer, Scaramanga’s Private Island
While in this position I learnt the true meaning of the phrase ñlifeÍs a bitchî. My duties and responsibilities included setting traps for unsuspecting tourists, moonlighting as a getaway driver, obtaining accessories for a golden gun, inscribing names on bullets and disguising cats as cockerels to fix cock fights. And light admin.
- 2000-2003: Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, Hollywood
I gained my PhD here, by studying the effect of magnets on monkeysÍ brains.
- 1998-2000: Clown College, Las Vegas
I had high hopes of becoming a clown, however, I got fleeced by a pyramid scheme while in Vegas and was thrown off the course. I sometimes still wear the make-up and crash childrenÍs parties.
- 1993-1998 Parisian School of Mime, France
Graduated with full honours in the art of street mime. Used skills to spectacular effect, scaring young Parisian families.
Hobbies & interests
When I have spare time I enjoy Squadger spotting [eh??], ornithology (as long as cock fighting is involved), baiting rottweilers, poisoning pitt bulls, being chased by alsatians and solving the Times crossword.