A training manager’s diary: Big meeting and team-building

3 March

My campaign to keep training rooms tidy has achieved objective one: our HR director has banned permanent markers, takeaway food and copies of the Sport. It means the end of western civilisation has been put back by a nanosecond. Objective two – to make trainers sign an “I will leave the room as I find it” clause is under consideration. Objective three – one untidy strike and you’re out, matey – I’m saving for an opportune moment. My admin support tells me our HRD wants to meet the training and L&D team on Monday.

6 March

Suited and booted for our meeting with the HRD. What could it be? A change of direction? A re-definition of Prangcaster – motto: You pay, We Serve – Council’s values? Termination? All is possible in the world of local government HR. We enter the HRD’s presence. He sees the frown on my training colleague Lynda’s brow. “Nothing to worry about. You’re not about to be de-hired. Yet. No, the reason I’ve summoned you all is to discuss team-building and morale. One of my key objectives for this year is to make Prangcaster Council a happy ship. A place we all look forward to coming to every day. To that end, I want you to devise some team-building training for our main departments. I think maintenance should be the first to benefit from this.” Well perish me flipcharts!

7 March

Maintenance? That bunch of spanner and screwdriver-wielding oiks? Team-building? It’s the training equivalent of an optimist appearing in Eastenders. It’ll never happen.

13 March

Having taken the rest of last week off because of chronic depression, I’m back in the proverbial ideas tent. And they’re coming thick and fast. Well one has: I’ll speak to Darren, head of maintenance – tattoo and face-furniture fan.

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20 March

Darren has given me a bit of a steer. “Make it outdoors, a bit of a laugh, throw in some booze and grub and that’ll boost our morale faster than you can say ‘you’re on our to-do list’.” Well looks like we’re going for the nuclear option: outdoor training with ritual humiliation.